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WIFE SWAP - Magicians vs muggles

The Martin-Portola family are a crew of free spirited magicians from Ohio.  High priority: performing magic, having fun  Low priority: obsessive cleaning, chores.

The well groomed Galvan family of California live in a spotless house where the kids have many duties.  High priority:  obsessive cleaning, chores  Low priority:  performing magic, having fun.

Yeah, these folks are going to get along really well.

This clash between order and chaos was unusually contentious, even for Wife Swap.  In the end, one of the wives dropped out in frustration before the two weeks were up.  But who?

Here's a hint:  Jennifer Galvan is a highly driven wedding and event planner who applies the same attention to microdetail and laser focus she uses at work to her home life as well.  Her kids have chores, and then they have more chores.  Her house is kept spotless and perfect at all times - seriously, it looks like you could eat off her floors. 

You would not want to eat off the floor at the Martin-Portola house.  This is a family whose focus is on having fun and performing magic - dishes and laundry are way down on the list of things to do.  Jennifer is shocked by the state of things and cannot wait for the rules change.

She's also shocked about the level of freedom that Melissa and her magical husband Andrew give their two kids, who often perform magic tricks for passerby on the sidewalk.  When the rules change does come and Jennifer is free to impose her will upon the chaos at the Martin-Portola family, she has a picket safety fence installed in the front yard to keep the kids safe.

This doesn't sit right with magic Andrew, who has been chafing under Jennifer's restrictive and non-fun new rules.  Things get a little crazy when Andrew, in a fit of theatrical rage, gets in his car and smashes the new fence down right in front of Jennifer.

She leaves shortly after that.  Jennifer spends the rest of the time in a hotel rather than subject herself to Andrew, who it must be said is pretty intensely zany.  Not everybody can take that much zaniness.

Melissa Martin-Portola struggles to infuse a little sense of fun and family time into the Galvan house, but her relationship with her temp husband Richard isn't nearly as explosive, so she ends up making some headway.

In the end, despite Jennifer leaving the swap early, both families seem to have learned a little from the swap.  Jennifer is spending a little less time on cleaning and more time with her kids, and the Martin-Portolas seem to have realized that there's a certain magic in doing dishes, too.

--Dave Campbell

WIFE SWAP - Pig farmers vs belly dancers

The Carmichaels are pig farmers who live on an isolated homestead in rural Nevada.  Mom Brandi values hard work, traditional values, and simplicity.   The Hanna family are totally not pig farmers.  They live a life of creativity and indulgence in New York City, where mom Jehan honors the goddess within through belly dancing, art, and music.

Brandi and Jehan swap places and families, and their lives will never be the same.  For reals.  This is one of those episodes of Wife Swap where each family is receptive enough to the experience that it actually does change their lives.  Of course, before the Carmichaels and Hannas get to the life changing part, they have some entertaining blow-out arguments and shed a few tears.

The funniest part was watching down-to-earth Shaun Carmichael try to make sense of this strange belly dancing goddess in his home.  I would lay money that he had never met anyone as colorful or as wild as Jehan Hanna before, and he just had a hard time figuring out where the heck this woman was coming from.  Most of the time he just looked at Jehan as if she were utterly insane.

To the Hannas, the Carmichael family seemed to be missing out on the joy of creativity and self-expression, which they greatly valued.  They couldn’t believe that the four Carmichael kids had to – gasp! – actually work on the pig farm.  “Kids shouldn’t work on a farm,” dad Hanna said.  By contrast, their child Serena was pampered and treated like a princess, which was a mind-blower to Brandi Carmichael. Didn’t Serena have any chores to do?

Well, no. 

Chores and manual labor didn’t fit into the Hanna scheme of things.  “That’s not my function,” Jehan said when asked why she didn’t work around the house.  Both of the Hanna parents seemed a little disdainful of farm work – they had enough money that they were insulated from the realities of manual labor and appeared to forget that people actually have to work to produce the food that we all consume.

The key take-away lesson for both families was that a sense of balance was necessary in life.  Sometimes you have to put the cymbals or paint brush down and wash the dishes.  On the other hand, a life of unending work with no joy or creativity is no good either.  The Carmichaels and Hannas began the Wife Swap experience as polar opposites and by the end, they both edged a little closer to each other.

The Carmichaels seemed to have made the most changes in their life after the swap.  They sold the pigs and Brandi took up belly dancing.  But is that because the Hanna family’s artistic and spiritual world view was superior to the Carmichael's?  Or does it mean the Carmichaels were ultimately more open minded and willing to change? I honestly don’t know.

--Dave Campbell

WIFE SWAP - Lesson learned?

I appreciate Tanya Marshall's honesty.

At the end of every episode of Wife Swap the producers check back in with the two families to see if they've changed or integrated any lessons learned from the swap into their regular lives.  You know what I'm talking about:  the parents who say how much things have changed in their home and how they now spend more time as a family while we watch footage of the happy family playing lawn darts or inline skating together or something.  Everybody learns something from the Wife Swap experience, right?

Not Tanya Marshall.  The strict, controlling mother who changed places with zany clown Cecilia Harrison-Velasco says during the post-swap interview that she learned nothing from the swap and that they have made absolutely no changes in their home since the swap.

Nothing.  Not a thing.  While they didn't seem to regret participating on the show, they just didn't take anything away from their interaction with the Harrison-Velascos.  It takes more than a couple of weeks with a family of clowns to derail the Marshall family train. 

While I think it's sort of a shame that the experience didn't even make a dent in their strict, boot camp lifestyle, particularly since their kids seem so desperately bored and starving for affection, I do grudgingly respect the Marshall family's honesty about the whole situation.  They could have faked it and dished out some platitudes about how much they've changed, because that's the ideal telegenic situation.  But no, they say point blank that Wife Swap didn't have a profound effect on their lives, unlike the Harrison-Velascos, who seemed to incorporate some of the lessons learned into their day-to-day existence.   

Hey, at least they're being honest.

--Dave Campbell

WIFE SWAP - Fishnet vs hacksaw

OK, do you think these two moms would get along very well?

On one side of the country we have Andrea Robarge of New York, a tomboy who enjoys competing in lumberjack competitions with her rugged and chaste family.  On the other side of the country we have Sarina McDonald, real estate agent by day, burlesque dancer by night, whose artistic family is considerably more laid back about human sexuality.  Andrea Robarge cooks and picks up after her sons, who she is very focused on.  In the McDonald home, husband Dan and grandma take care of the kids most of the time, and the two boys are expected to pick up after themselves.  One family is open about sex, the other family is open about chainsaws. 

As with all Wife Swap episodes, the two moms trade homes and lives for two uncomfortable and hopefully transformative weeks.  Tempers flare and tears are shed, but are any lessons learned?  Well, yes.

Sometimes Wife Swap surprises me when the families involve actually seem open to the experience.  Sure, there is always the initial culture shock and snap judgments - that's what makes the show so entertaining - but sometimes the wives and families are a little more receptive to the whole Wife Swap challenge and respectful of the other family's way of life. 

I thought for sure that the Robarges would be more uptight about Sarina's burlesque dancing, but after some initial discomfort, they seemed to understand the difference between what she did and full-on stripping.  Sarina still couldn't get Dad to talk to the kids about the birds and the bees though - he took an axe to the  sex education book that Sarina wanted him to share with the boys.  Oh, well.  Baby steps.  The sex ed thing was probably too much for him to take on board in one week.

In the McDonald home, Andrea convinces Dan that having busy Sarina around more in Mom-mode would be a better thing, although she's not succesful in her attempt to sell off all of Sarina's burlesque clothes and accessories.  Dan rightly refuses to sell Sarina's stuff, reasoning that it would be like him selling Andrea's beloved chain saws.  Lumberjill Andrea does get bonus points for gamely dancing in a burlesque show, which couldn't have been the easiest thing in the world for her.

In the end, both families seemed to benefit and come to grudgingly respect the others' point of view, and while Wife Swap didn't turn the Robarges into Free Love hedonists or the McDonalds into hearty lumberjacks, I don't think either family would say the experience was a waste.

--Dave Campbell

WIFE SWAP - Thrashers vs Green Goo

The Espinosa-Marquez family live to do two things:  1) skateboard and 2) rock out.  Mom Christine and husband Gabe raise their daughter Shelby with a "hands-off" approach, and they spend a lot of their time hanging out in their skate shop or at the local skate park with "The Tribe," a pack of rebellious neighborhood kids. 

On the other hand, the button down Pay family exist in an orderly environment that emphasizes responsibility, following the rules, chores, piano practice, and self-improvement.  Mom Robyn and dad Dennis believe in discipline and micromanage their household so their kids can grow up to be productive and well-rounded members of society.  Oh, and the kids drink a half liter of this green fluid every day that consists of kale, chard, flax seed oil, and ICK.

Take a guess:  do you think these families would get along?  If you answered "no" you would be right - or at least, partly right.

Robyn Pay is in for a massive culture shock when she visits the Espinosa-Marquez home for Wife Swap.  She doesn't approve of all the skateboarding, the lack of rules and structure, and their evil rock music.  A health nut, she also doesn't approve of their diet.  Their barbeque feast doesn't look very appetizing to her.  "Eating hot dogs, that would be like the equivelant of... eating dog poo," she says.  Robyn gets points for trying a bite of hot dog, however.

In the Pay home, laid back Christine is shocked by the amount of chores and the rules that the three kids live with.  The mandatory piano practice and their practice of reading news clippings at the dinner table seem completely alien to her, and she is blown away that the kids have to write essays whenever they break a rule.

After a lot of tears and some stubborn confrontations, both sides thaw a little bit.  Robyn realizes that she needs to have more fun with her kids and not be such a disciplinarian, and Christine seems to appreciate the Pays' motivation, if not their methods.  Instead of a drag-out battle between these two different cultures, they both give a little ground and realize that there are other completely valid ways of raising kids and incorporate some of the lessons they learned into their own homes.

When it works, that's what Wife Swap is all about:  getting exposure to different lifestyles and appreciating the value of other approaches to life.  It doesn't mean that you have to stop feeding your kids green goo or take their skateboards away, but if you keep an open mind and a respect for different people, it can be a positive experience. 

I don't think the Espinosa-Marquez family will be whipping up green smoothies or the Pays roasting some hot dogs any time soon, but that might be asking too much.

--Dave Campbell

WIFE SWAP - The timeless contest between art and motorcross

I hate to admit this, but usually on Wife Swap I make a snap judgment about the families based on the little intro clips they show at the beginning of each episode.  I stick with this snap judgment about which family I'll like more, and I'm usually not wrong.

But I have to admit, this week's episode threw me.  I expected the Ives family, who are on the road ten months out of the year producing their family's motorcycle stunt show, to be inconsiderate and obnoxious hillbillies.  Not so!  On the other hand, I expected to have more sympathy for the art-centric eco-friendly family, the Costes.  Not so much.

Mom Pam Costes is really absorbed in her art, and seems to value pursuit of artistic expression above all other things, such as spending time with her kids.  Her art comes first, and since they've converted one of their bedrooms into Pam's studio, their three kids (who were super cute) all sleep together in one small room.  The kids practice music for an hour a day and then go out in the backyard and pound on rocks with a golf club.  It was like they were living in a Soviet Art Gulag.

Tony Ives, on the other hand, travels non-stop with her teen boys, who were very polite and were very good motorcycle riders.  They live a nomadic life and subsist on take-out food, mostly involving meat.  Husband Shawn lives through his boys and isn't really interested in changing how the Ives crew runs things - he's perfectly content.

Of course, the wife swap wreaks havoc in the lives of both families.

Pam was pretty hard to take, I gotta be honest.  Shawn really bristled at her condescending manner and felt she was belittling his family, and he was kinda right.  There was definitely not a lot of love between Shawn and his temporary wife.  When they did make it back to the Ives family home, Shawn made Pam sleep in a nearby hotel rather than have her harsh everyone's mellow in his house.  At the face-to-face meeting at the end of the episode Shawn had to excuse himself and did not return because he hated Pam so bad.  So for Shawn, the Wife Swap experience was not so awesome.

Over at the Costes home, Tonya is aghast at the lack of fun and the massive focus on Pam's art.  During the rules change she makes sure to take the family on fun outings - that zero-G parachute thing looks really fun BTW - and she has the oldest daughter move into the guest room so the kids aren't all crammed into one bedroom.  I thought that when she auctioned off some of Pam's art that might have been a little mean-spirited, though.  It was as if she was trying to prove that Pam's art was of little value, which isn't true.  It's just that so many sacrifices were made for the sake of Pam's dream.

I gotta say, the down to earth motorcycle family came out of this one looking better than I originally thought.  Just goes to show - you can't always judge by the intro.

--Dave Campbell

WIFE SWAP - Chaos and control

This week we got another mind-bending, reality warping episode of Wife Swap.

I’m always a little hesitant about being overly critical or mean about the participants on Wife Swap because they are real people with real feelings.  Plus, reality shows can be a little deceiving and don’t always offer the full picture, but rather offer a storyline edited out of the available footage. 

But on the other hand, if you sign up for a show where cameras invade your home and the inner workings of your CRAZY HOUSEHOLD are broadcast to millions of people, you’ve pretty much invited people to judge you.

This week pitted the values of the precise, clockwork Tassie family from Ohio against the slovenly, disorganized Tyson family from Missouri.  In the Tassie home, parents Terri and Tom rule “Team Tassie” with an iron fist and a stopwatch.  Their three kids are expected to do chores before and after school, as well as helping out at dad’s car dealership.  Crackerjack timing and attention to detail are key – if the kids have wrinkled sheets, Terri makes them steam out the creases.  Wrinkles are the enemy and must be crushed in the Tassie home.  They apply a strict work ethic to everything they do, and their home seems to be a sterile and affection-free environment – but at least they stick to their schedule.

The Tyson family of Missouri is the polar opposite, the anti-matter version of the Tassies.  They eat fast food exclusively, their house is a total mess, and the kids swear like bikers.  Parents Michelle and Todd subscribe to the “chaos theory” of parenting – schedules and a sense of decorum do not exist inside the Tyson zone.  Sadly, Michelle seems to spend most of her time picking up after her unappreciative family, who enjoy the occasional food fight and tear up the lawn with the family SUV for fun.

As one might imagine, when the wives from these two families swap places, things get ugly.

In the Tassie home, dad Tom directs the movements of the kids and his temporary wife with his own personal set of semaphore hand signals which only he understands.  The guy is relentless in his quest for perfection, order, and timeliness.  This does not go over well with visiting mom Michelle, who struggles to adapt to the Tassie family rules.  She’s reduced to tears on several occasions, which just triggers Tom’s contempt. Tears are for the weak.

I have to hand it to the Tassie kids, though.  They at least are willing to experience new things and try out Michelle’s new rules.  They get into the spirit of things and seem like genuinely nice kids, so perhaps there is something to the Tassie Rules of Order. 

But in the Tyson home, clean freak visiting mom Terri makes little headway.  She’s aghast at the state of the house and the lack of structure and rules.  In her eyes, the Tyson kids are like little foul-mouthed wild animals and dad Todd seems like an absentee parent, since his 24/7 job demands so much of his time.  She tries to impose some sort of order in the patented Tassie style, but the kids aren’t having it.  It’s only when she dials it down a notch and tries reasoning with them instead of barking orders that she gets any sort of positive response. 

Terri doesn’t fundamentally change the Tyson home, but she does get the family to understand and appreciate everything their mom does for them.  They even clean the house before mom gets home.  In the Tassie home, it seems like the kids are open-minded and pliable enough to take away something positive from the Wife Swap experience, but Tom remains unmoved and utterly set in his ways.

The end result?  Both families appreciate what they have a little bit more than they did before, I think.  I still think both the Tassies and Tysons are a little crazy, in totally different ways, but I can’t say that they don’t love their kids.  And no matter how kooky your household may be, if you’ve got The Love, you’ve got a family.

--Dave Campbell

WIFE SWAP - A shocking episode

I've moaned in the past about how sometimes on Wife Swap the families involve don't seem as if they've been transformed by the experience all that much.  Often the primary reaction is, "Man, am I glad that crazy woman is out of our house!"  However, on every show each family involved does honestly find a new appreciation for their wife/mother, and with some families that's a huge step forward.

This week I was shocked by the outcome of the Wife Swap.  I'll get to that in a second.

The families involved this week were the meticulous upper middle class Tower family and the not-meticulous drag racing Sundstrom clan.  There was the usual culture shock and snap judgments as the two wives switched places.  Joy Tower was particularly obnoxious and judgmental about the quality of human beings she was spending two weeks with, using terms like "low class" and "trailer trash" and "white trash" to describe her temporary family.  Of course we also got the usual butting-of-heads and hurt feelings that we come to expect from the show.

But this week the two families seemed like they had really been transformed by the wife exchange.  To her credit, Joy does a complete reversal and realizes that there is more to life than buffing your granite countertops twice a day and admits that she was unfairly judgmental about the Sundstroms from the start.  It dawns on drag racing Stephanie that life can be more enjoyable if your house isn't a total disaster zone and that pool tables should be used for playing pool instead of storing heaps of laundry. 

Shocking!

Plus, both families seemed really cool.  The Sundstrom and the Tower kids were awesome in their own ways, and the dads were nice guys who opened themselves up (eventually) to the lessons the experience offered.  It was like the ideal episode of Wife Swap - you had your drama and conflict, but everyone walked away from it a winner.

--Dave Campbell

WIFE SWAP - Sasquatch vs Larry the Cable Guy

   Usually I find myself empathizing more with the sloppy, fun-loving families on Wife Swap than the rigid, strict families.  However, the families they choose to embody the different approaches to raising a family are usually so extreme and polarizing that it's tough to relate to either family.  Nobody is just sort of messy or a little strict on Wife Swap - they're either full-on slobs or iron-fisted tyrants. 

This week was no exception, as Michelle Flynn of the fun-loving and chore-averse Flynn family swaps places with Mishelle Orris of the disciplined Orris family, who put work and cleanliness first.   Mishelle inspects the teeth of the kids with a toothpick before they can venture out into the world.  "The Orris family has an extremely high standard for oral hygiene," Mishelle explains.  Well, at least she used the word "extremely." 

When the kids step out of line in the Orris family, ex-military stepdad Terry puts them through "yard drills."  Terry reminds me of wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin.  When the kids step out of line at the Flynn home, dad Patrick is usually egging them on with burps and practical jokes and casual profanity.  "You either like the Flynns or you don't," says Patrick.  "And if you don't, man, I feel sorry for you.  Because we're awesome."  Patrick reminds me of Larry the Cable Guy.

As  usual, the visiting mothers butt heads with their temporary husbands and there is a lot of drama and tears.  This week's culture clash was unusually heated, as fun-loving Patrick chafes under Mishelle's judgmental authoritarian rule.  He gets downright mean and childishly abusive.

"I'm not dealing with a woman, I'm dealing with Sasquatch, man,"  Patrick tells us.  "She's got man hands." 

The mind-blower for me was during the rules change ceremony, when Mishelle turns the table on the Flynns and implements her draconian new rules.  Patrick sat on the couch between his two kids calling Mishelle names and swearing at her - and then totally loses it when she fights back.  I guess he's upset about being called names in front of his kids, but respect is a two-way street, eh Patrick?

Of course, both families learn a little something from the experience - mostly how much they appreciate their own mothers.  Patrick does end up apologizing to Mishelle for calling her "Sasquatch" and "fat piece of trash" and "BLEEPING BLEEP" so there might be hope for him.  Still, you'll never find that guy teaching an etiquette course.

Wife Swap - the show that makes you appreciate your own relatively sane family.

--Dave Campbell

WIFE SWAP - Karate or karaoke? You make the call.

For centuries, scholars have debated which is more powerful:  karate or karaoke?  This week’s Wife Swap may hold the answers for us all.

Or not.  Roxie Figaratto of Maine has devoted her life to a) karaoke and b) doting on her kids.  For Roxie, stuff like cleaning the house isn’t even e) or f) on her list of priorities.  The Figarattos sing together every night in their basement karaoke bar, which they open up on the weekend to friends and family.  Life is one big karaoke party.

Kate Martinez has never stepped in front of the mike, but she’s stepped in front of many a roundhouse kick as the co-owner of a martial arts academy with her husband Adam.  Kate is devoted to martial arts, her cockatoo Mockie, and her son Alex – seemingly in that order.

When Kate and Roxie switch places, they’re both in for a culture shock – otherwise it wouldn’t be Wife Swap.  This week’s episode was absent the usual histrionics and emotional fireworks we’ve seen in the past, mainly because Kate and Roxie are both relatively mellow for Wife Swap participants.

Sure, Kate believes that the Figarattos don’t have any problems that can’t be solved with martial arts, and Roxie thinks that the Martinez family just needs more karaoke quality time.  But the rules changes this week seemed downright reasonable compared to some of the lunacy we’ve seen on Wife Swap before.

The thing is, the Figarattos seemed to have benefited somewhat from the experience – at least they were open-minded enough to take new lessons onboard.  The martial arts Martinez family?  Not so much.  They might spend a little more family time instead of head-kicking time, but they seemed so wrapped up in their lifestyle and rigid mindset that any benefits from the Wife Swap experience are going to be temporary at best. 

That’s just how it goes sometimes with Wife Swap.  Sometimes the benefits and lessons aren’t spread around evenly and sometimes there’s no clear answer.  We’ll have to search elsewhere to find out if karaoke or karate is more powerful.

--Dave Campbell