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DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - The five year plan

As you likely know already, the season finale of Desperate Housewives ended with a jump five years into the future on Wisteria Lane.  That was trippy, huh?

Judging by the comments we got here at Live from L.A. about the episode, some viewers loved the  idea, some viewers... not so much.  I thought it was a pretty gutsy way to shake up the status quo of the show, but it certainly was a calculated risk on the part of the producers.

I've been thinking, though.  What if the DH producers are pulling an "Oceanic Six" and borrowing a page from LOST?  On LOST this season they've been toggling back and forth between the present day on the Island and the future, when six of the castaways make it back to civilization.  Part of the fun has been trying to piece together which six survivors got off the Island and how.  What if that's the plan for next season of DH?

I'm probably wildly off-base with this (I usually am) but it seems like there are two ways the DH creators could go at the beginning of next season.  They could continue with the five year jump that they established at the end of the finale OR they could stay in "the present" and work towards the events and circumstances depicted in the flashforward. 

Just throwing that out there as something to think about.  I think it might be a little too avant garde for the show.  Still, it would be interesting...

--Dave Campbell

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - Mayhem and time travel

Desperate Housewives ended their fourth season on a hysterically high note as a number of simmering plots boiled over and made a huge mess all over the proverbial kitchen floor.  "Mayhem" is the word we're looking for.

Actually, "Maynard" is the word.  Susan and Mike name their baby boy Maynard to honor Mike's recently deceased grandfather and because they're totally crazy.  Nobody can hide their reaction when they first hear the name:

Yikes, that kid is going to need counseling.  Susan has second thoughts and wants to go with a less awful name like "Connor" but Mike pulls the "my grandfather was a great man" card and wins - Maynard it is.

That was the least dramatic thing going on this week, and Susan should be thankful she got the light funny storyline this time out because some of the other characters don't survive their plotlines.

Lynette's cold war with Kayla the dangerously manipulative devil girl reached a shocking conclusion.  Creepy little Kayla concocted allegations of child abuse to remove her step mom from the picture, but the Evil One overplayed her hand.  Tom is forced to take sides when his daughter admits to a laundry list of immoral acts ranging from arson to lying to CPA, and twisted Kayla is sent off to live with Grandma and Grandpa.  Ha! 

I gotta wonder if that's a smart choice, though.  Tom's going to feel pretty bad when his parents end up dead six months from now from some mysterious accidents...  I'm telling you, that kid is 100% unrefined evil.

Speaking of exiled, is Edie ever coming back?  She left in the previous week's episode but is that the last we've seen of her?  I know that Dana Delany re-upped her contract and will be returning to the show next season, but what about Edie?  I must know.

Yes, Katherine Mayfair will return next season after making it through a hazardous and eventful year on Wisteria Lane.  The lurking menace of her psychotic ex-husband Wayne has finally been eliminated, violently, but not before he does quite a bit of damage and uncovers Katherine's terrible secret.

I loves me the Gary Cole, the actor who plays Wayne, but I have to say, the guy is usually cast in more likeable or amusing roles.  Here he was just a flat-out creep, a dirty cop and abusive husband who has stalked Katherine for years.  This week Wayne reached new lows as he kidnapped and tortured Adam to find the whereabouts of his un-daughter.  Leaving Adam for dead, he captures Katherine and knocks her around.  Then he kills Mallory from Family Ties.  Then he captures Bree and threatens to shoot her in the leg.  You see where I'm heading with all this?  Wayne's not a nice guy.

Well, Wayne gets what's coming to him - a few .38 bullets - but not before he forces Katherine to admit the truth about her daughter, Dylan.  She's not really her daughter, she's an Eastern European orphan that Katherine brought in to replace her real daughter after a tragic and secret accident claimed her life.  Fearing that Wayne would use their daughter's death against her, Katherine buried her kid in the back yard and began a charade that would last for years - until now.

Fortunately Katherine, Bree, and Adam survive the whole ordeal while Wade does not.  Bree and the other housewives come to Katherine's defense and tell the cops what a ticking bomb Wayne was, so she's not charged with his murder.  That Bree, she's a good egg.

The most audacious plot development came at the end of the episode - at the end of the season, really - when we jump FIVE YEARS into the future.  Everyone's got different hair!  Susan has a different husband?!!   What happened to Mike?  Is her dog still around at least?  Is that Lynette's real hair?  Are those really Gabrielle's kids?  (I hope so, that's hilarious.)  Did Adam stay with Katherine?  And where is Edie?

Man, and we gotta wait how many months before we find out?  That's not right.

--Dave Campbell

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - Something wicked this way comes

It was Mother's Day with a sinister twist this week on Desperate Housewives, as dark forces swirl about Wisteria Lane.  We're getting close to the season finale and events are moving inexorably to a big messy climax... and somebody is going to die.

I made up that "somebody is going to die" part, but I believe it.  The whole storyline about Katherine's psycho ex-husband Wayne is going to end violently, I think.   The Kayla/Lynette conflict has the possibility of death as well.  I wouldn't put it past Devil Child to bring about the death of one of the twins, perhaps as retaliation for being forced into psychiatric care?  Kayla is that evil.  She's a little Hannah Belle Lecter.

Speaking of evil, Mike's Southern mother was pure sacharrine malice, wasn't she?  I liked how she called the Civil War "The War of Northern Agression," that was brilliant.  Her visit to the Mayer home was certainly The War of Passive Agression.  I felt bad for Susan - you know things are bad when you have to fake going into labor just to get away from your mother-in-law.

I'm looking forward to the next two episodes.  Evil Kayla is scheming to eliminate Lynette from the picture, and Lynette's loss of control when she slapped Kayla in the store is just what she needs to throw a coup d'etat in the Scavo household.  Meanwhile, Wayne is planning something as well and I'm afraid it's considerably less subtle and more violent than Kayla's plotting.  I'm hoping that Katherine gets a chance to use that Anti-Wayne pistol - preferably explaining the whole mystery behind Dylan.  Is she really Katherine and Wayne's daughter?

Oh, and I almost forgot that Susan had her baby finally!  Congratulations Susan, even if you are a fictional character.   Hey, imaginary people deserve to be happy too.

--Dave Campbell

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - Creepy people

Wisteria Lane was crawling with creepy people this week.

Lynette and Tom have decided to keep the boys' arson on the down-low, but they learn that Tom's daughter Kayla instigated the whole thing with her spooky mind control powers.  OK, she doesn't literally have mind control powers, but Kayla is a manipulative, calculating little devil-child.  She coaxes one of the boys into jumping off the roof with an umbrella - just because she can.  And she's got that eerie smile.  There's nothing worse than a creepy devil-child, unless it's twin devil-children.  Or a whole village of them.  Anyway, I think Kayla is terrifying.

Look at her!

Man, she freaks me right out.

Gabby and Carlos rent a room in their house to Ellie, the creepy boarder (played by Family Ties' Justine Bateman).  Strange men visit Ellie at odd hours, which causes Gabby to suspect that Ellie is a whore.  She ropes Bob and Lee into testing her theory, with hilarious results.  It was nice to see Bob and Lee again, if only briefly.  Ellie tells Gabby that she's a tattoo artist who is plying her trade under-the-table, and Gabby believes her, despite the lack of tattoo paraphernalia and sterilizing equipment.  Looks like creepy Ellie is actually dealing coke out of Gabby and Carlos' house - or so we'll find out next week.

The final creepy visitor to Wisteria Lane is Katherine's sinister ex-husband, Wayne, who has weaseled his way into daughter Dylan's life.  He shows up at their house and has a tense chat with Katherine in the kitchen, where he explains to her that he's changed.  Katherine has changed to - she's not afraid of him anymore.  Her courage was no doubt bolstered by the .38 pistol she was hiding in a nearby drawer.  Man, he must be a bad guy if she feels she needs a gun...

I'm a big fan of Gary Cole, the actor who plays Wayne.  He always does a great job and he manages to exude a kind of simmering menace on Desperate Housewives without really doing anything overtly threatening.  He's creepy.  But Gary Cole played the boss Bill Lumbergh in the movie Office Space and I keep expecting him to say, "Ahh, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and come in to work on Sunday, mmkay?"  But if he said that he wouldn't be very creepy, and that's the effect they're going for with Gary.

He's totally going to end up taking a bullet in the chest, isn't he?  I see a bullet in Wayne's future.  That'll be one less creepy person to visit Wisteria Lane.

--Dave Campbell

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - The Hazards of Sleepwalking Nude

Arson, jealousy, lies, envy, nudity, weaponized spinach dip, secrets, greed, parking in disabled spots, vandalism... this week's Desperate Housewives was a real return to form.  It had everything you could want - well, almost everything.  I'd like another appearance of Bob and Lee, the gay neighbors.  Where did they go?  They were great.

Anyway, this week was chock full of nutty goodness.  We got a power struggle between Bree and Katherine in which Bree tried to poison Katherine with bad spinach dip, Gaby used Carlos' handicapped parking tag to score primo parking spots, Rick the amorous and somewhat creepy chef sets up a new restaurant in town - and it has burned down by the end of the episode, and Orson is plagued with repressed feelings of guilt that leads him to sleepwalking - and sleeptalking.

The Orson storyline was the most interesting development.  He feels guilty and fearful for running over Mike, but is so repressed and uptight that he won't allow himself to consciously feel those emotions.  But at night, Orson sleepwalks (naked) and murmurs his regrets.  Susan stumbles across Naked Orson several times, much to her dismay.  I liked the part where she was cleaning the stool where Naked Orson sat the night before because ick, Naked Orson germs.  At the end of the episode Julie overhears sleepwalking Pajama Orson saying, "I'm sorry I ran over you, Mike."  I think it's time for Julie to bust some Nancy Drew moves.

This episode posed lots of interesting questions:  What is Julie going to do with the information?  Will Bree or Katherine ultimately kill each other?  Who burned down Rick's restaurant?  Who is the mystery dude who circles Dylan's picture?  Maybe Katherine's totally-not-dead husband?

--Dave Campbell

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - The Mayfair Mystery

Man, I knew Katherine Mayfair was mean, but in this week’s brand new Desperate Housewives episode we learn that she is not only evil, but… icky.

Susan catches her hunky cousin Tim in bed with Katherine – initially she and everybody else assume Tim’s in the sack with Katherine’s under-age daughter Dylan.  Tim explains to Susan that this is not his first roll in the hay with Katherine – they had previously slept together when he was 16 years old.

Ewww.

The Mayfair Mystery plot unfolded further this week as Tim also tells Susan that after his first encounter with Katherine at age 16 he showed up at her house bearing flowers and his libido.  In a flashback scene, Young Tim hears some fighting inside the house.  He peeks through the window just in time to see Katherine brain her abusive ex-husband Wade with a ten pound candlestick.  The neurons in poor Susan’s overworked brain are firing as fast as they can:  OMG, did Katherine kill her ex-husband?  Is that why the Mayfairs suddenly fled Wisteria Lane twelve years ago?

Dylan is having some doubts of her own about her mother.  That pesky note her dead auntie left behind has cast some serious suspicion on Katherine.  Whatever it said it was bad enough that Adam left Katherine.  Dylan is confused and upset about these memories that she should have but doesn’t as well as her mother’s role in her father’s presumed demise.  Having found suspicious fragments of the burned note – with keywords like “husband” and “murdered” – Dylan has to know.  She asks Adam for the truth and he tells her that Katherine didn’t kill Wade.

Here’s my theory:  Adam is telling the truth, but not the whole truth.  Katherine is responsible for the death of her daughter, probably accidentally during a fight with Wade.  They buried Katherine’s dead daughter behind the house – that’s the makeshift gravesite that Katherine was weeping over at the beginning of the show.  They took off from Wisteria Lane the next day, leaving behind Katherine’s aunt Mrs. Sims, who knew the truth – Dylan isn’t really Katherine’s daughter.  That would explain why Katherine was so opposed to letting the dying Mrs. Sims speak to Dylan, why she destroyed her aunt’s note, and Dylan’s confusing lack of memory about her childhood on Wisteria Lane.  Plus!  Wade Davis is played by Gary Cole, who is awesome, and you don’t cast Gary Cole on your show unless you’re going to use him.  We’ll see Wade again this season.

I’m still a little sketchy on the details, but that’s my theory.  I’m sure I’m not the first DH viewer to come to this conclusion.  What do you think, am I way off base here?  Feel free to blow holes in my theory, which is admittedly half-baked.

Next week:  Orson.  Nude.  In Susan’s kitchen.  I’m there.

--Dave Campbell

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - Wisteria Lane, represent!

ABC made me a happy little camper this week by airing the episodes where a tornado rips through lovely Wisteria Lane, causing a great deal of damage and conveniently tying up a number of dangling plot threads.  The tornado episode was one of my favorite Desperate Housewives episodes in recent memory (the Halloween party episode was pretty great, too), because a) I'm a guy, and b) guys like massive property damage.

This Sunday we get the relaunch of Desperate Housewives with the first new episodes since the writer's strike interrupted this season.  I've been sucked into the world of DH and am really dying to see a face-off between Bree and Katherine Mayfair.  That Katherine, she's no darn good, even by Wisteria Lane standards - and that is saying something. 

Oh!  Almost forgot:  have you seen the Wikipedia entry on Wisteria Lane?  It's brilliant - there's an aerial map, info about the filming location, and a breakdown of who lives where.  Check it out.

--Dave Campbell

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - More Bob and Lee, please

So I’m finally catching up on my Desperate Housewives episodes in order to prepare myself for the big re-launch in April, when we finally get new episodes. This season has been pretty good. As a guy I really appreciated the carnage of the tornado episode, particularly Victor’s picket fence impalement.  Boo-yah!   Now that was what I call symbolism!

But above all I really like the new neighbors, Bob and Lee. 

The DH producers may have finally gotten the hang of introducing new characters into the mix, and Bob and Lee fit nicely in with the she-devils of Wisteria Lane.  Lee took an instant disliking to Susan, who tried waaay to hard to get on their good side and made a bollocks of things as usual. The episode with Bob and Lee’s hideous modern art water fountain was very funny, particularly Bree’s line, “All the gay men in the world, and we get the two without good taste.” I can’t really blame the housewives for hating on the sculpture fountain, which was so ghastly that God Himself had to step in and wipe that sucker out with a twister.

The great thing about Bob and Lee is that they’re just as catty and underhanded as anybody else on Wisteria Lane.  They solve their water fountain battle with the neighborhood association in the time-honored Desperate Housewives manner: extortion! I think they fit right in, and I hope they’ll stick around when the new episodes start rollin’.

While I’m at it:  more Nathan Fillion as Adam, please.

 

-- Dave Campbell