Tonight The Bachelorette launched in grand style with the customary Parade of Limos followed by a cocktail mixer at Bachelorette Manor. The free drinks started flowing and the 25 suitors desperately tried to make an impression on our Bachlorette DeAnna Pappas before the first rose ceremony, when she sends about half the guys home.
It was very much like watching a documentary about primate mating customs. In an effort to prove to their prospective mate that they were viable, the guys strutted around, spoke loudly, physically edged out their rivals and performed a number of tricks and stunts.
One guy jumped in the frigid waters of the pool, then stripped down to reveal that he had DeAnna's name printed across the butt of his Speedos. And that guy got a rose! I clearly was going about things entirely wrong with women all these years. Another guy had a duck calling bugle thing that he was squawking (he did not get a rose), while another guy prepared a gourmet crab cocktail. Then there was the guy with Abs of Steel who wanted DeAnna to feel them instead of paying attention to Duck Call Guy. We can't forget the mulleted martial artist who kicked a lemon off a guy's head. He got a rose, too! If I had known stuff like this worked, I would have started doing stunts in high school. In my Speedos.
And then there was the tattooed fitness trainer with the unnerving stare who sat smoldering like a human time bomb. DeAnna let him go, and in the exit interview afterwards he appears to totally go insane. The guy rips off his shirt and flexes his tattooed muscles, refers to himself as "The Coyote," and starts howling into the night sky. Damn, DeAnna should have kept The Coyote around for at least another week.
Come watch The Bachelorette with me! I live blog about the show every Monday night at our very own and accurately titled The Bachelorette Live Blog. Let's get catty about people on TV!
--Dave Campbell
