While watching The Bachelor: Where Are They Now? this week I was struck by the utter lack of romantic success most of the participants on the show had.
By "lack of success" I mean they didn't succeed at the primary goal of the show - to find love among 25 female attractive contestants.
Let's take a look at the track record of the eleven Bachelors so far. Have any of them stayed with the girl they gave that final rose to?
Lucky for you I've created a handy infographic to help us visualize the abysmal record of romance for The Bachelor. Have The Bachelors stayed with the woman that they chose in the final rose ceremony, or has their love crashed and burned NASCAR-style? The answers may SHOCK YOU! But probably not...
Here we go:
1. Alex Michel - He broke up with Amanda after several months and began a relationship with a full-length mirror.
2. Aaron Buerge - He proposed to Helene, but broke off the engagement. Aaron's got a nice set of teeth. Well, he does.
3. Andrew Firestone - He proposed to Jen, but broke off the engagement as well. Catty comment alert: On The Bachelor special his skin didn't look that great. I'm just sayin'.
4. Bob Guiney - Bob broke up with Estella in short order, but is now married to a soap opera actress who enjoys curly hair. You go, Bob!
5. Jesse Palmer - Football player Palmer chose Jessica, but broke up after several months. I'd bet they got tired of their friends calling them "Jess Jess."
6. Byron Velvick - This bass-fishing bad boy proposed to Mary and they're still engaged, I guess? She got arrested for punching him in the mouth one night, though, so umm, good luck with that Byron.
7. Charlie O'Connell - Charlie gave Sarah a rose and the two were together for a while, but broke up this past summer when she realized he wasn't his brother Jerry O'Connell. Oh, snap! I'm just kidding, Charlie, don't sue me.
8. Travis Lane Stork - The hunky ER doctor chose Sarah (a different Sarah) but they didn't last very long. Get Dr. Stork 500 cc's of true love, STAT.
9. Prince Lorenzo Borghese - The Prince chose Jennifer, but they eventually broke up. Just a guess, but maybe he insisted she call him "Your Royal Majesty Prince Lorenzo" instead of "honey."
10. Andy Baldwin - Studly Navy officer Baldwin asked Tessa to marry him, but they called off the engagement. Reports say they're still an item, but I'm skeptical. Andy's on a top secret mission saving the earth and can't be reached for comment. I always dodge personal questions with that excuse: "I'd love to talk about my love life but I can't right now, I've got to go fight al Qaeda."
11. Brad Womack - Brad opted for "none of the above" and didn't choose anybody, a Bachelor first. Dude, it's reality TV, nobody's really expecting you to stay together with whoever you pick. Couldn't you just have picked one gal? One?? he should have called that hyperventilating blond girl back, she was up for it.
So there's the lowdown. It's not a pretty picture, is it?
Despite the horrid track record of previous Bachelors, the new guy Matt Grant seems unfazed. In a recent conference call to reporters, Matt said that he had indeed found true love during the show. Of course, he's contractually obliged not to reveal the identity of his soulmate, but I did learn one thing: she's American. Such is the power of my deductive reasoning.
Matt Grant also said he wasn't concerned about The Bachelor Curse. I'm assuming that he never watched The Bachelor: After the Rose or The Bachelor: Where Are They Now? because that would have put The Fear into him.
"I'm not too fussed about the track record of the show," Grant said. "As far as I'm concerned, it didn't bother me in the slightest."
Not scared, Grant? To quote Yoda: "You will be. You will be."
--Dave Campbell
