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LOST - Answers and questions

 

Seriously.  This episode was a like ten pounds of awesome stuffed in a five pound bag.  It was bursting at the seams with awesomeness.  Its cup runneth awesome.

I’ll explain why I’m so excited.  “No Place Like Home” was the ironic title of this week’s LOST episode.  It is part one of the two-part season finale.  Actually, it’s part one of three parts because on May 29^th ABC is airing a two-hour LOST, which is actually broken up into two episodes.  Anyway, my point is this week’s LOST worked both as the set-up for the big finale and on its own merits.  Lots of stuff happened and all of it was, yes, awesome.

One of the satisfying things about LOST this season is that the creators have found the right balance between satisfaction and anticipation, between resolving lingering questions and posing new mysteries.  It’s like finding a couple of pieces that fit in a huge puzzle, and then a monkey comes and steals some pieces from you.  On one level you’re happy that you’re making progress on the puzzle, and on another level, damn you monkey!

Anyway, with the return of the Oceanic Six tonight we finally saw what implausible cover story the five of them (I’m assuming Aaron wasn’t involved in the planning) came up with to explain their reappearance.  A lot of the reporters didn’t seem to buy it, which may prove troublesome in the future.  But why the elaborate cover story in the first place?  What happened to everyone else?

I’m assuming that in the season finale they will show the circumstances of the Oceanic Six rescue, which may be naïve of me. I’m still trying to figure out how Sayid, Jack, Kate, Aaron, Sun, and Hurley are all going to end up on a Coast Guard plane together since in this episode they’re scattered to the four winds.  Jack is running through the jungle with Sawyer instead of resting after his surgery.  Hurley is with Locke, dangerously close to a pack of psychotic mercenaries.  Aaron is with Sun on the freighter, which is rigged with a metric ton of plastic explosives.  Kate and Sayid are visiting with Richard Alpert and The Others at gunpoint.  How these people all end up in a raft is beyond me, but I’m eager to find out.

I’m also eager to have some questions answered, as usual.  Who was Ben signaling with the mirror?  What is Ben’s plan, aside from “Get tortured by Keamy”?  What does the Orchid station do?  Something space/timey I’ll bet.  Who put all the C4 on the boat?  Why?  Just to be mean?  Who was messing with the odometer in Hurley’s wicked camaro?  Was Cheech just trying to psych him out? Is Locke really going to move the island or is that just some New Age metaphor?

So many questions, and only two hours left in this season to answer them all.  Then:  BRUTAL CLIFFHANGER!  I am so there.

--Dave Campbell

GREY'S ANATOMY - What the elavator sees

Well, they covered a lot of ground this week on Grey's.  I feel like they're working up to a huge end of the season payoff - at least I hope that's what they're doing, because there are a lot of storylines that need wrapping up.  Let's review, shall we?

Ava/Rebecca returns again this week with her phantom pregnancy and strange behavior.  Izzie informs her that she's not pregnant, but Ava doesn't believe her because she's totally ape poo crazy.  This week Izzie just comes out and tells Alex that Ava's not pregnant, even though last week she was acting all professional and wanted to keep that info confidential.  Am I wrong, or did Izzie just do a complete flip-flop on the whole medical ethics thing?

Cristina is still in her "dark place" after receiving news of Burke's success last week.  She totally rips into Lexie (who to her credit does not cry) in a way that's cruel even for Cristina, and she even cleans her apartment.  Yes.  Cleaning.

Meredith is still struggling with therapy this week and is apparently struggling with doctor-patient protocol, because she barges in on her therapist without an appointment and follows her into the bathroom to unload some emotional baggage.  If I were a therapist, I would draw the line at impromptu sessions in the lavatory.  It's like, I'm sorry about your issues with your mother, but I'm trying to do my business here.

The Derek and Meredith relationship seems to have stalled out this week.  They continue working together on the World's Deadliest Clinical Trial - seriously, their track record sucks - and there's definitely some romantic tension between the two, but this time Derek seems to be the one getting in the way of a Mer/Der coupling.  If he's so conflicted about the situation and feels guilty (presumably)  for dating Rose while he's in love with Mer, there's an easy solution:  stop dating Rose. 

I don't hate Rose as a character, and this week's episode made me feel kind of bad for her.  Derek's heart isn't in their relationship - he keeps blowing her off, he didn't call her after they had sex, he makes goo goo eyes at Meredith.  If I were Rose, I'd say, "Listen, I know I'm just a supporting character, but I deserve to be treated with respect."  And then I'd dump him and hook up with Sloan.  Hey, at least a relationship with Sloan has a level of honesty to it.

Speaking of Sloan, I''m enjoying watching his attempts at chaste behavior after being called a whore in front of the entire nursing staff last week.  He fends off all of Callie's requests for illicit workplace sex, but is preoccupied all day by the idea of a Sloan/Callie/Hahn threesome.  When Hahn teasingly plants a kiss on Callie in the elevator, it's too much for the guy and he drags Callie off to a coat closet to get busy.  Well, he almost made it a whole day.

Callie's reaction to getting kissed in the elevator was telling - she seemed shocked and confused but not entirely displeased.  I think her friendship with Hahn has awakened some unexamined Sapphic urges in Callie and she's going to declare her lesbianhood on the season finale.  Just throwing that out there.

Man, a lot goes on in that one elevator, huh?   It could write a book.

--Dave Campbell

UGLY BETTY - La Slater returns

Ahh, that's better.

The status quo returned to normal (somewhat) as Wilhelmina Slater, the diva of deceit, leveraged her way back into a position of control at Mode.  The only people who are happy about this are Marc and Amanda.  Oh, and me.  I'm a big fan of La Slater.  Without her it just wouldn't be Ugly Betty now, would it?  The scene where she triumphantly marched into the Mode offices with Amanda bouncing around in the background like a mean little puppy was brilliant.

 

It was nice to see Hilda score some Coach time, but I'm not 100% sold on this guy.  He seems a little bland for her, doesn't he?  I think Hilda needs somebody as colorful as she is. 

While Hilda was doing well as far as guys go, Betty's coping with the fallout of her break-up with Henry.  Is there a future full of Gio for Betty?  I'd like to think so - the guy's got a big heart, he's charming, he obviously likes her  - Gio's perfect.  Maybe it's something they'll explore next season.  As long as next season keeps Wilhelmina in supreme villainess mode, sign me up.

--Dave Campbell

WIFE SWAP - The timeless contest between art and motorcross

I hate to admit this, but usually on Wife Swap I make a snap judgment about the families based on the little intro clips they show at the beginning of each episode.  I stick with this snap judgment about which family I'll like more, and I'm usually not wrong.

But I have to admit, this week's episode threw me.  I expected the Ives family, who are on the road ten months out of the year producing their family's motorcycle stunt show, to be inconsiderate and obnoxious hillbillies.  Not so!  On the other hand, I expected to have more sympathy for the art-centric eco-friendly family, the Costes.  Not so much.

Mom Pam Costes is really absorbed in her art, and seems to value pursuit of artistic expression above all other things, such as spending time with her kids.  Her art comes first, and since they've converted one of their bedrooms into Pam's studio, their three kids (who were super cute) all sleep together in one small room.  The kids practice music for an hour a day and then go out in the backyard and pound on rocks with a golf club.  It was like they were living in a Soviet Art Gulag.

Tony Ives, on the other hand, travels non-stop with her teen boys, who were very polite and were very good motorcycle riders.  They live a nomadic life and subsist on take-out food, mostly involving meat.  Husband Shawn lives through his boys and isn't really interested in changing how the Ives crew runs things - he's perfectly content.

Of course, the wife swap wreaks havoc in the lives of both families.

Pam was pretty hard to take, I gotta be honest.  Shawn really bristled at her condescending manner and felt she was belittling his family, and he was kinda right.  There was definitely not a lot of love between Shawn and his temporary wife.  When they did make it back to the Ives family home, Shawn made Pam sleep in a nearby hotel rather than have her harsh everyone's mellow in his house.  At the face-to-face meeting at the end of the episode Shawn had to excuse himself and did not return because he hated Pam so bad.  So for Shawn, the Wife Swap experience was not so awesome.

Over at the Costes home, Tonya is aghast at the lack of fun and the massive focus on Pam's art.  During the rules change she makes sure to take the family on fun outings - that zero-G parachute thing looks really fun BTW - and she has the oldest daughter move into the guest room so the kids aren't all crammed into one bedroom.  I thought that when she auctioned off some of Pam's art that might have been a little mean-spirited, though.  It was as if she was trying to prove that Pam's art was of little value, which isn't true.  It's just that so many sacrifices were made for the sake of Pam's dream.

I gotta say, the down to earth motorcycle family came out of this one looking better than I originally thought.  Just goes to show - you can't always judge by the intro.

--Dave Campbell

BOSTON LEGAL - Denny Crane for President

This week Denny Crane's megalomania was wildly indulged when a friend from the Republican party (George Segal) convinced him that they were interested in Denny running for the office of President of the United States.  I couldn't see where they were going with this.  Boston Legal often has oddball storylines, but they make sense - this one just didn't add up.  Would the RNC really be interested in Denny?  Sure, he is a powerful attorney, but there is the mad cow thing.  And the hooker thing.

I should have known something sneaky was afoot when the Republican bigwigs continued courting Denny even after he does the old "pull my finger" gag in a meeting.  Behold:

Sure enough, the entire thing is a practical joke that climaxes with Denny being thrust onstage at his "campaign kick off party" wearing only a hospital gown and a bewildered expression.  For a moment I felt really bad for Denny, who seemed totally taken in by the whole prank.  Then a platoon of federal agents stormed into the party threatening to arrest everyone for illegal fundraising activity 0r something.  Everyone's freaking out - and then they realize that the agents are a counter-prank arranged by Denny.  Advantage:  Denny Crane.

Later Alan and Denny are talking to a baffled George Segal, who feels a little bad for staging such a cruel joke, and is impressed that Denny figured it out and trumped his joke.  Denny has a gleam in his eye - he's still formidable, despite the mad cow disease. 

And then Alan has to remind Denny what his name is.  Ah, brilliance and lucidity are such fleeting things.

--Dave Campbell

THE BACHELORETTE - Second Chance

Millions of viewers watched DeAnna Pappas get her heart broken and generally get dissed by Brad Womack during that final rose ceremony of The Bachelor, 2007 season.  In a dramatic first for the show, Bachelor Brad didn't give the rose to either of the two women and chooses to walk off into the proverbial sunset alone...  What was he thinking??  That still trips me out to this day.

Brad's loss is our gain, because DeAnna (pronounced dee-AH-nuh) has moved on and is now the star of The Bachelorette, premiering Monday May 19th, at 9PM. 

DeAnna will see if she can find true love from a herd of 25 virile and relatively handsome men, all contending for her affection. 

I've been looking through the gallery of bachelors on ABC.com's The Bachelorette page .  Some of them look like they might be OK, but there are a couple that have to go because they look creepy and possibly dangerous.  Kidding!  I kid.  Besides, I'm sure they've all been screened, right? My early favorites are Richard and Eric, whereas I think oyster farmer Luke and unshaven Patrick C are not going to make it very far at all.  Check it out, it's amusing to look through the gallery of suitors and pick out Prince Charming as well as the trolls.

I'm looking forward to the premiere because that's when all 25 dudes will be in Bachelorette Manor, where the drinks are flowing.  All of the guys will be trying to get her attention in order to survive that first brutal rose ceremony where she'll send a dozen or so home, so I anticipate some hilarious Stupid Bachelor Tricks fueled by alcohol and desperation.  That's good TV, folks.

I'm also looking forward to the premiere because I'll be live blogging about The Bachelorette all season.  The live blog is basically a live play-by-play of the show as it unfolds.  It should be a lot of fun, I get to be petty in real time!   The link will be posted on The Bachelorette page on ABC.com.  Grab your laptop and a beverage and join me for The Bachelorette next Monday, won't you?  I'll bring chips.

--Dave Campbell

DANCING WITH THE STARS - Eliminated!

Alas, Broadway actress Marissa Jaret Winokur has danced her last rumba with her partner Tony Dovolani.  This week she was eliminated from Dancing with the Stars in the semi-finals, so the dance floor will no longer be graced by her bubbly personality and Tony's blindingly white teeth.  Seriously, that guy's teeth are bio-luminescent.

Marissa did a great job, overcoming some early low scores and delivering fun and entertaining routines week after week.  At the beginning of the season I wouldn't have bet that Marissa would make it to the semi-finals, but she really pulled it off.  She and Tony seemed to have built a real bond and were very supportive and positive with each other. 

Moving on to the final round of competition we have Kristi "The Guchi" Yamaguchi and her expressive partner Mark Ballas, Jason Taylor and the scantily clad Edyta Sliwinska, and injured warrior Cristian de la Fuente and veteran dancer Cheryl Burke. 

My money is still on The Guchi, but the shiny disco ball trophy is truly up for grabs.

--Dave Campbell

DANCING WITH THE STARS - The Semi-Finals

The semi-finals for this season's Dancing with the Stars competition is upon us this week.  The four remaining couples struggled to remain in the game as they performed two randomly selected dances Monday night.  On Tuesday's results show one of the four couples will be eliminated and the rest will advance to the ultimate and final challenge.

The Guchi regained the top spot on the judges' leader board with 57 out of 60 points, vindicating herself after some relatively low scores in Week Eight.  She and her partner Mark Ballas raked in a near perfect 29 for their dramatic and precise tango, but only got a 28 for their technically demanding jive. 

I thought Kristi deserved a higher score because for half the dance she had a big strand of hair stuck to her mouth, which must have been distracting.  Check it out (below).  Her lip gloss has incredible adhesive properties!

Cristian de la Fuente and his partner Cheryl Burke are in second place, with 56 points.  After tearing a tendon in his bicep during the samba in week seven, the couple have been choreographing around Cristian's injury, and pulling in high scores, too.  They were in first place last week and are only a point behind Kristi and Mark, so they're definitely making it to the finals.  They should, anyway.

The couple scored a 29 out of 30 for their samba and Cristian made it through without suffering a flashback.  The judges thought Cristian and Cheryl's Viennese waltz was pretty good, giving them 27 points.  I just have to say that the dress Cheryl Burke wore for the waltz was crazy.  Tom Bergeron made fun of it, comparing it to a weather balloon.  Don't take my word for it, judge for yourself:

Jason Taylor and Edyta Sliwinska dropped to third place this week with a total score of 55 out of 60 possible points. 

They danced a brilliant foxtrot that earned them 28 points, but their paso doble only got them 27 points.  I thought their paso doble was excellent, but what do I know?  I'm no Bruno.  But then, who is?

Finally, Marissa Jaret Winokur and Tony Dovolani are in last place with 52 points.  Both their foxtrot and their rumba scored 26 points.  I thought their foxtrot was great, the choreography seemed much more ambitious than any dance thye've done before.

In the live television gaffs department, Marissa and Tony experienced a little wardrobe malfunction as her skirt got caught on the sequined trim of Tony's pants.  Chivalrous Tom Bergeron shielded Marissa from embarassment while they resolved the crisis.  Fashion has its risks.

So who is going home this week? 

Marissa seems to be the most likely candidate, as she has the lowest score.  But the elimination is based upon the combined judges' score and fan votes, and I've predicted Marissa's ouster before and been wrong every time, so maybe she'll surprise us. 

Like life, Dancing with the Stars doesn't always happen the way you expect it to.

--Dave Campbell

THE BACHELOR - OMG

The Bachelor came to an explosive conclusion this week as British hearthrob Matt Grant dropped a love bomb on one of the remaining two bachelorettes and... well, just dropped the other one. 

This week it came down to a choice between two women, Shayne or Chelsea.  Since I've been wildly off mark about which women are going to get eliminated this season, I thought that Matt might pick Chelsea.  Clearly not, and in retrospect it all sort of adds up.  Chelsea and Matt just didn't share the same kind of ease and intimacy that Shayne and Matt have.  I mean, he calls Shayne "monkey."  If one girl has a pet name and the other doesn't, that's a pretty good indicator as to who's going home.

But I didn't read the warning signs and thought he might go  for Chelsea, even after their awkward snorkeling date in Barbados where it was clear that the two of them didn't share a lot of chemistry.  I think this season I ended up projecting my own preferences and biases on to Matt and wanted him to pick women that I might like but that clearly aren't compatible with him.

Shayne, on the other hand, is clearly compatible.  The proposal scene was sweet, particularly when he said, "Monkey, will you marry me?"  Come on, that was cute.

I wish Matt and Shayne well, and am curious to see how their relationship sorts out considering the track record of previous Bachelor couples.

Next week:  On to The Bachelorette!  May my predictive powers serve me better there.

--Dave Campbell

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - Something wicked this way comes

It was Mother's Day with a sinister twist this week on Desperate Housewives, as dark forces swirl about Wisteria Lane.  We're getting close to the season finale and events are moving inexorably to a big messy climax... and somebody is going to die.

I made up that "somebody is going to die" part, but I believe it.  The whole storyline about Katherine's psycho ex-husband Wayne is going to end violently, I think.   The Kayla/Lynette conflict has the possibility of death as well.  I wouldn't put it past Devil Child to bring about the death of one of the twins, perhaps as retaliation for being forced into psychiatric care?  Kayla is that evil.  She's a little Hannah Belle Lecter.

Speaking of evil, Mike's Southern mother was pure sacharrine malice, wasn't she?  I liked how she called the Civil War "The War of Northern Agression," that was brilliant.  Her visit to the Mayer home was certainly The War of Passive Agression.  I felt bad for Susan - you know things are bad when you have to fake going into labor just to get away from your mother-in-law.

I'm looking forward to the next two episodes.  Evil Kayla is scheming to eliminate Lynette from the picture, and Lynette's loss of control when she slapped Kayla in the store is just what she needs to throw a coup d'etat in the Scavo household.  Meanwhile, Wayne is planning something as well and I'm afraid it's considerably less subtle and more violent than Kayla's plotting.  I'm hoping that Katherine gets a chance to use that Anti-Wayne pistol - preferably explaining the whole mystery behind Dylan.  Is she really Katherine and Wayne's daughter?

Oh, and I almost forgot that Susan had her baby finally!  Congratulations Susan, even if you are a fictional character.   Hey, imaginary people deserve to be happy too.

--Dave Campbell

EXTREME MAKEOVER HOME EDITION - Three Kleenex episode

Over the course of the season I have slowly been building an immunity to the tear inducing effects of Extreme Makeover Home Edition.  At the beginning of the season I would get all misty-eyed EVERY SHOW as Ty and Company helped another deserving and inspirational family with a gut-wrenching backstory.   Over time I grew less sensitive and stopped weeping so much.

Until this week's show.

This was a three Kleenex show for me.  The Extreme Makeover bus travelled to Massachussets, where they helped the Guintas, a family that had been ripped apart by a horrible accident.  Two years ago, Paul and Renee Guinta had a baby girl, Renee.  On the day she was born, Paul was driving home with his two sons when he got into a severe single-car accident.  The boys were fine, but Paul was seriously injured.  The doctors didn't think he'd survive the night. He did, but Paul had serious brain injuries.  He spent sixteen months in the hospital and rehab, but couldn't come back to the Guinta family home because it wasn't wheelchair accessible by any stretch of the imagination.  As Paul struggled to rehabilitate himself, he remained separated from his family.

That's when Ty, his cadre of designers, and seemingly the entire population of the Guinta's hometown come to their assitance.  They demolish the old house with its tight halls and narrow doorways and in its place build a beautiful new house with a spacious open floor plan and all kinds of bells and whistles.  Paul could finally come home and live with his family once again.

The house was designed for the entire family, though.  The kids each got their own theme rooms, like the icy penguin room or the dinosaur suite with a T-Rex canopy bed.  Renee, who cuts hair, got her own salon tricked out with the latest high tech hair gizmos. 

This was an amazing family and it would be pretty tough to watch this episode and not be touched by Paul and Renee's love for each other and their indominatable spirit.  Paul is an incredible guy, and I was really impressed by his wife Renee, who is unfailingly supportive and loving.  That woman has a big heart.

So, yeah.  I cried a little, I'll admit it.  Did you see it?  I'll bet you cried a little too, am I right?

--Dave Campbell

BROTHERS & SISTERS - Four Flashbacks and a Wedding

The season 2 finale of Brothers & Sisters was like a two-hour episode scrunched into one hour.  They covered a lot of ground, tying up loose plot lines and dealing out an average of one shocking revelation every 4.8 minutes, while simultaneously dangling new story threads for next season.  If the Brothers & Sisters creators' goal was to leave us wanting more, then mission accomplished guys.

Kevin and Scotty tied the knot in a civil union ceremony with an excess of floral decorations courtesy of Nora.  That's what Nora should do in her spare time; she should do custom floral arrangements for weddings and events and stuff.  The ceremony was nicely handled - they kept the cheese to a minimum - and was a fitting end for the whole Kevin/Scotty storyline this season.

Saul finally came out of the closet to the Walker clan, much to almost everyone's surprise.  I wish they'd spent a little more time with Saul this episode.  Wouldn't Nora and Sarah still be P.O.'d at him for nearly running Ojai Foods into the ground?  Man, I sure would be.

Everyone finds out the Rebecca isn't really a Walker, and Sarah gets crazy mad at Holly, who she feels deceived the family in order to get her hands on Walker money.  I think she's right, I'm not digging Holly anymore.  Regarding Rebecca, of course all the Walkers go out of their way to let her know that she's still one of the family as far as they're concerned, which was kind of sweet.

My Tom Skerrit Radar was going crazy this episode, since Mr. Skerrit appeared in a number of flashbacks as patriarch William Walker - before he died, naturally.  Zombie William would be cool, but wouldn't really fit the Brothers & Sisters vibe.  Anyway, my Tom Skerrit Radar was working overtime.  You know, I also have James Spader Radar, but I call it my Spader-Sense.  Get it?  Little Spider-Man joke there for ya.*

The flashbacks in this episode pieced together to reveal another dark family secret.   Since Rebecca wasn't the Lost Walker Love Child, Kevin and Sarah discovered that it was a boy named Ryan.  But where is the L.W.L.C.?  We gotta wait until next season. 

Finally, the Justin/Rebecca storyline reached its climax as they both realized that since they're not brother and sister anymore it's totally not gross if they like each other.  In a nice quiet scene at the end of the show they sit on a bench in Griffith Park and kiss - and discover that it's nothing like kissing a sibling.  Ah, young love.

All in all, a great wrap up to a fantastic second season, but still I remain unsatisfied.  I want to know what's going on with the Lost Walker Love Child and I don't particularly want to wait until next season to find out.  I would guess that's the mark of a good TV show.

--Dave Campbell

*Sorry, terrible joke.

GREY'S ANATOMY - Professional complications

The personal and the professional collided and smooshed together this week on Grey’s, with entertaining results. 

Meredith and Derek inched closer to becoming MerDer again.  Meredith stopped denying her feelings for Derek to her therapist. Derek finally slept with Rose (mercifully, off camera) but admitted to Sloan that he was thinking of Meredith the whole time and feels like a heel.  Actually, “whore” was the word he used.  Mer and Der shared the world’s most romantic tumor surgery, working in perfect sync with soft lights and uninterrupted eye contact.  All that was missing was a little Sade in the background – “Love is Stronger Than Pride” would have been an appropriate choice.

In other developments Izzie has discovered that Ava/Rebecca isn’t pregnant, but professional ethics forbid her from telling Alex, who was getting his head around the whole parenthood idea.  Whaaat?  Seriously, after all the unprofessional stuff Izzie has done, she picked now to suddenly get all ethical and withhold life-changing info from Karev?  Couldn’t she just leave an anonymous Post-It note saying “CRAZY GIRL NOT PREGNANT” in his locker or something?

My favorite storyline was the date-and-tell policy Seattle Grace implemented after the nurses revolt against Mark Sloan’s libido.  Sloan tried without success all episode to get somebody trustworthy to speak to the nurses on his behalf and tell them what a good guy he really is.  Bailey finally agreed to speak to them, but… well, be careful what you wish for.

The quote of the show has to go to Bailey, who addressed the assembled nurses about Sloan while Mark stood smugly by.  She said, in short:  “I would like to offer my thoughts on Dr. Sloan.  This man is a whore.  Has always been a whore, and will probably always be a whore… He’s nasty.”

Bailey shooed all the nurses back to work after admonishing them to keep their knees together, and the normally suave Sloan is left shaken and stirred.  It was a perfect comeuppance.  Sure, you can carry on like a horny frat boy on Spring Break, but you run the risk of being shunned and publicly humiliated.

Such are the risks one takes when mixing the professional and personal. 

--Dave Campbell

LOST - The epsiode without any Vikings

The spotlight shone on Locke this week in one of the more baffling episodes of the season.  Baffling to me, anyway – your mileage may vary.

On the Island, Locke, Hurley, and Ben search for Jacob’s cabin, but take a “pit stop” at the mass grave of all the DHARMA Initiative folks killed during the Purge.  Meanwhile things go from tense to tenser on the freighter as Keamy violently takes control and Sayid escapes back to the island.  In a flashback, we see Locke’s humble beginnings and learn that he has been visited by shadowy figures like Alpert and Abaddon all his life.  Things wrap up with a cheery visit to Jacob’s Cabin where Locke chats with Christian Shephard and Spooky Claire.  How did it all end?

“He says we have to move the Island.”

OK, I’ll admit it.  I have no idea what the &*%$ is going on.  I’m enjoying it, but I am er… lost.

In classic LOST style, this raised more questions than it answered, so I thought I’d just list off the stuff I want to know more about.  Here we go:

What is that doohickey on Keamy’s arm?  Here’s me guess:  it’s some kind of device that wards off the time/space weirdness of the Island.  It must affect only Keamy, otherwise why would he strap it to his inner arm?  Either that or Keamy is a fitness nut and he’s trying to monitor his resting heart rate.

What does Richard Alpert want with Locke?  There was something sort of mystical about Alpert’s appearance in the hospital and the foster home, as if Locke were a reincarnated Buddha figure or something.  During the foster home scene, I half expected Young Locke to ask Alpert, “Are you trying to recruit me… into the X-Men?”

What’s up with Claire?  Sitting in the dark in the cabin, acting all spooky and serene.  Is it really Claire, though?  Or some sort of psychic projection of Claire into cabinspace? 

Hey, look!  The doctor from the Freigher is alive?  Oh.  Wait.  No he isn’t.  More proof of time distorting wackiness around the Island, as Doctor Ray gets his throat slit a full episode after his body is found washed up on the beach by Jack’s posse.

How does one move an entire island?  A-ha!  This episode bolsters my Giant Space Turtle theory.  I knew it – the Island is really built on the shell of a huge star travelling turtle.  Or maybe not, because that would be dumb.  I think Locke’s directions are to move the Island, but is he going to move it through physical space or through time?

When are the cavemen and the Vikings going to show up?  Well, with all the time travelling craziness, it just seems like there should be cavemen and Vikings.  See, this is why I am not a writer on LOST – I would have had space turtles and Neanderthals a looong time ago.  And then it wouldn’t be called LOST anymore – they’d just call it CANCELLED.

--Dave Campbell

WIFE SWAP - Chaos and control

This week we got another mind-bending, reality warping episode of Wife Swap.

I’m always a little hesitant about being overly critical or mean about the participants on Wife Swap because they are real people with real feelings.  Plus, reality shows can be a little deceiving and don’t always offer the full picture, but rather offer a storyline edited out of the available footage. 

But on the other hand, if you sign up for a show where cameras invade your home and the inner workings of your CRAZY HOUSEHOLD are broadcast to millions of people, you’ve pretty much invited people to judge you.

This week pitted the values of the precise, clockwork Tassie family from Ohio against the slovenly, disorganized Tyson family from Missouri.  In the Tassie home, parents Terri and Tom rule “Team Tassie” with an iron fist and a stopwatch.  Their three kids are expected to do chores before and after school, as well as helping out at dad’s car dealership.  Crackerjack timing and attention to detail are key – if the kids have wrinkled sheets, Terri makes them steam out the creases.  Wrinkles are the enemy and must be crushed in the Tassie home.  They apply a strict work ethic to everything they do, and their home seems to be a sterile and affection-free environment – but at least they stick to their schedule.

The Tyson family of Missouri is the polar opposite, the anti-matter version of the Tassies.  They eat fast food exclusively, their house is a total mess, and the kids swear like bikers.  Parents Michelle and Todd subscribe to the “chaos theory” of parenting – schedules and a sense of decorum do not exist inside the Tyson zone.  Sadly, Michelle seems to spend most of her time picking up after her unappreciative family, who enjoy the occasional food fight and tear up the lawn with the family SUV for fun.

As one might imagine, when the wives from these two families swap places, things get ugly.

In the Tassie home, dad Tom directs the movements of the kids and his temporary wife with his own personal set of semaphore hand signals which only he understands.  The guy is relentless in his quest for perfection, order, and timeliness.  This does not go over well with visiting mom Michelle, who struggles to adapt to the Tassie family rules.  She’s reduced to tears on several occasions, which just triggers Tom’s contempt. Tears are for the weak.

I have to hand it to the Tassie kids, though.  They at least are willing to experience new things and try out Michelle’s new rules.  They get into the spirit of things and seem like genuinely nice kids, so perhaps there is something to the Tassie Rules of Order. 

But in the Tyson home, clean freak visiting mom Terri makes little headway.  She’s aghast at the state of the house and the lack of structure and rules.  In her eyes, the Tyson kids are like little foul-mouthed wild animals and dad Todd seems like an absentee parent, since his 24/7 job demands so much of his time.  She tries to impose some sort of order in the patented Tassie style, but the kids aren’t having it.  It’s only when she dials it down a notch and tries reasoning with them instead of barking orders that she gets any sort of positive response. 

Terri doesn’t fundamentally change the Tyson home, but she does get the family to understand and appreciate everything their mom does for them.  They even clean the house before mom gets home.  In the Tassie home, it seems like the kids are open-minded and pliable enough to take away something positive from the Wife Swap experience, but Tom remains unmoved and utterly set in his ways.

The end result?  Both families appreciate what they have a little bit more than they did before, I think.  I still think both the Tassies and Tysons are a little crazy, in totally different ways, but I can’t say that they don’t love their kids.  And no matter how kooky your household may be, if you’ve got The Love, you’ve got a family.

--Dave Campbell

SUPERNANNY - Another win for Jo Frost

This week Supernanny Jo Frost stepped in to help out the Martinez family, whose ultra-stressed mom is raising three rambunctious kids on her own while dad is overseas in Iraq working as a contractor.  The stress of the separation was affecting the mom’s ability to calmly parent her children, and I think it was a factor in the behavior of the kids as well.  The kids were a little out of control, but by Supernanny standards they were little angels.  They were nothing like some of the destructive little gremlins we’ve seen in previous episodes.

No, the real issue on this episode was Mom’s state of mind.  She was willing and enthusiastic about making changes to her short-fused parenting style, but the daily uncertainty about her husband’s safety and the lack of spousal support was really dragging her down.  Fortunately, Supernanny had the answer to all her problems.  Well, most of them anyway.

Jo set up a web page for the family so they could leave messages for one another and check in even when a phone call wasn’t possible, which was a great idea.  She also set the family up with a webcam so that the kids could see their daddy on the computer, and visa versa.  These simple steps seemed to go a long way in relieving some of Mom’s stress.

The great thing about this episode was that Mama Martinez was so open to Supernanny’s input and so willing to make positive changes.  We’ve all seen Supernanny episodes where we’ve just wondered why the parents had kids in the first place.  For example, remember the gal that squirted hand soap in her kid’s mouth?  Sometimes the parents just don’t meet Jo half way, or require greater help than Jo can offer.  And by “greater help” I mean “counseling.”

But this family just needed some guidance and some fine tuning – perfect Supernanny material.  Mom’s heart was in the right place, and at the end of the show you really got the feeling that things were going to improve around the Martinez household until dad could return from Iraq.  Mission accomplished, Supernanny!

--Dave Campbell

DANCING WITH THE STARS - 100th Show

Dancing with the Stars celebrated its 100^th Show in style this week by kicking another couple off the show.  That’s how it goes in the savage world of competitive ballroom dancing.  Law of the jungle, baby. 

In a shocking twist, R&B star Mario and his smoldering partner Karina Smirnoff were eliminated this week.  Well, it was shocking to me, anyway. 

I sincerely thought that Broadway actress Marissa Jaret Winokur and her homey Tony Dovolani were going home this week, but instead they are one of the four couples advancing into the Semi-Finals next week.  Also advancing are The Guchi, Jason Taylor, and Cristian de la Fuente, who rebounded from last week’s injury big time.

Next week:  no Def Leppard.  But more dancing!  Hey, they can't have Def Leppard every week; then it would be called Dancing with Def Leppard, and that would be weird.  Have you ever seen anyone try to dance a Viennese waltz to "Pour Some Sugar On Me?"  Not pretty.

--Dave Campbell

THE BACHELOR - On the hot seat

Well, that wasn’t nearly as brutal as I had expected.

The penultimate episode of this season’s The Bachelor was a special “The Ladies Tell All” retrospective, where host Chris gathered all of the rejected bachelorettes for a kiss-and-tell session.  The ladies got to dish the dirt on bachelor Matt Grant as well as each other.  Mostly each other, in fact.

The most entertaining bits were when Chris was focusing on the antics or tantrums of a specific candidate and they would play clips from the shows, complete with frank interviews with the ladies about what a witch so-and-so was.  I just  liked the idea that the women were all up there watching video clips of them talking trash… about the women that were sitting right next to them. Marshana and Robin came under the heaviest fire for their dramatics and tactics.  Clearly there is still not a lot of love for them among the other ladies, although Robin seemed almost gracious and conciliatory.  Almost.

Chris interviewed Amanda, everyone’s favorite shunned contestant (well, my favorite anyway).  They had a Montage of Meeps, Amanda’s nervous hiccup noises, and of course, footage of her getting booted off the show.  She said that for a moment she thought Matt was playing a practical joke on her to get her back for her own elaborate fake-parent prank, but sadly, he wasn’t joking.  I still think she would have made a better choice than Shayne or Chelsea, but that’s not my call to make, is it?

Matt Grant himself appeared at the end of the show, sporting some facial hair and a David Beckham buzz cut.  I fully expected a dog pile session on Matt – due to the cleverly edited promos – but things were downright civil.  The only moment when Matt seemed to squirm a little was when he had to explain his decision to Amanda, which he did fairly well.  He also got to use his trademark “If I’m being honest” phrase – twice! 

But who did he end up with – Shayne or Chelsea?  They carefully avoided saying who Matt had chosen.  The only clue came at one point when he was describing how he had more intense, loving feelings for Chelsea and Shayne.  He said Chelsea’s name first and seemed to stumble a little on Shayne’s name. 

BUT!  Here’s my theory on that.  Matt ended up choosing Shayne, not Chelsea, but backstage he was coached by the producers to say Chelsea’s name first whenever he referred to the two girls, just to throw us off.  If he said Shayne’s name first, everyone – myself included – would have screamed, “Ah-HA!  He picked Shayne!”  So they were using a little misdirection there.

Am I wrong?  Probably.  I usually am about these things.  I guess we’ll all find out next week when Matt drops to one knee and proposes… but to whom?

--Dave Campbell

DANCING WITH THE STARS - Week Eight Update

Only five couples remained to dance in Week Eight.  Next week, the four surviving couples will dance in the semi-finals, where the pressure is soul crushing!  Unless you happen to be an Olympic medalist or the NFL Man of the Year, in which case the pressure is no biggie.

But Kristi Yamaguchi and Jason Taylor, the athletes who have enjoyed their time in the top spot, were both bumped from the top of the leaderboard by Cristian de la Fuente and his partner Cheryl Burke in a dramatic reversal.  Last week Cristian suffered a tendon injury in his arm while dancing, resulting in a big wipeout and low scores.  This week, dancing to special choreography designed to work around his injured wing, Cristian came roaring back and seized the top spot.

I'm not saying Cristian and Cheryl didn't deserve to be #1, but I think the judges were a little soft on them this week.  The Guchi, on the other hand, seems to be scored by the judges to a different standard - they don't overlook minor mistakes with Kristi like they do with the other dancers.  Bruno at least seems to score The Guchi consistently. 

Ah, well.  It's easy to second-guess the judges - and part of the fun.

Tune in for the Results Show and the 100th Show gala on Tuesday.  Amid all the festivites and nostalgia, somebody has reached the end of the line.  Is it finally Marissa and Tony's turn to dance the Dance of Shame?  Seems likely.  But as the past couple weeks have shown us - anything can happen.

--Dave Campbell

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - Creepy people

Wisteria Lane was crawling with creepy people this week.

Lynette and Tom have decided to keep the boys' arson on the down-low, but they learn that Tom's daughter Kayla instigated the whole thing with her spooky mind control powers.  OK, she doesn't literally have mind control powers, but Kayla is a manipulative, calculating little devil-child.  She coaxes one of the boys into jumping off the roof with an umbrella - just because she can.  And she's got that eerie smile.  There's nothing worse than a creepy devil-child, unless it's twin devil-children.  Or a whole village of them.  Anyway, I think Kayla is terrifying.

Look at her!

Man, she freaks me right out.

Gabby and Carlos rent a room in their house to Ellie, the creepy boarder (played by Family Ties' Justine Bateman).  Strange men visit Ellie at odd hours, which causes Gabby to suspect that Ellie is a whore.  She ropes Bob and Lee into testing her theory, with hilarious results.  It was nice to see Bob and Lee again, if only briefly.  Ellie tells Gabby that she's a tattoo artist who is plying her trade under-the-table, and Gabby believes her, despite the lack of tattoo paraphernalia and sterilizing equipment.  Looks like creepy Ellie is actually dealing coke out of Gabby and Carlos' house - or so we'll find out next week.

The final creepy visitor to Wisteria Lane is Katherine's sinister ex-husband, Wayne, who has weaseled his way into daughter Dylan's life.  He shows up at their house and has a tense chat with Katherine in the kitchen, where he explains to her that he's changed.  Katherine has changed to - she's not afraid of him anymore.  Her courage was no doubt bolstered by the .38 pistol she was hiding in a nearby drawer.  Man, he must be a bad guy if she feels she needs a gun...

I'm a big fan of Gary Cole, the actor who plays Wayne.  He always does a great job and he manages to exude a kind of simmering menace on Desperate Housewives without really doing anything overtly threatening.  He's creepy.  But Gary Cole played the boss Bill Lumbergh in the movie Office Space and I keep expecting him to say, "Ahh, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and come in to work on Sunday, mmkay?"  But if he said that he wouldn't be very creepy, and that's the effect they're going for with Gary.

He's totally going to end up taking a bullet in the chest, isn't he?  I see a bullet in Wayne's future.  That'll be one less creepy person to visit Wisteria Lane.

--Dave Campbell

BROTHERS & SISTERS - When in doubt...

I was right!  Saul goes to jail this episode! 

And yet, I was so very wrong.  Saul goes to jail, but not for the reason I thought he would.  He gets picked up for a DUI after he smashes his car into an innocent tree.  The guy's not having a good week. 

I thought for sure that Saul would fall on his sword and confess to fraud, because that is in essence what he did when he went behind Sarah's back and signed the big international business deal that went south and is now dragging Ojai Foods under.  But no, Norah makes Sarah go to Tommy and Holly to ask Walker Landing to bail out the family company.  They agree, but Holly wants the two companies to merge, with her as CEO and Tommy and Sarah serving as co-presidents. 

I am not liking Holly much right now.  At first she was opposed to the idea, but when Rebecca reveals to Holly the results of the paternity test - that she's not a Walker - Holly changes her mind real quick.  She's going to get the merger signed before everyone finds out the news about Rebecca - which means that Holly has no real stake in the Walker fortune.  Ooh, they're not going to be happy when they find out...

In other news, Robert and Kitty are trying to solve their fertility problems the old fashioned way - a couple of glasses of white, some Marvin Gaye, soft lighting, etc. 

In a sweet scene, Kevin proposes to Scotty in a proper romantic fashion this time, so they'll be getting married next week - or civily united anyway. 

What else happens?  Ah yes.  Justin is having major issues and feeling very creepy for having a crush on his sister Rebecca, but finds out that guess what?  She's not his sister after all and he's not a creep.  Instead of making out with Rebecca, he freaks out on Rebecca though.  I know it must be confusing and upsetting, but my first instinct in a situation like that would be to kiss now and cry later.  When in doubt, make out.

That's my new motto:  "When in doubt, make out."  I'm getting a T-shirt with that on it.  Thanks Brothers & Sisters!

--Dave Campbell

EXTREME MAKEOVER HOME EDITION - Wicked awesome! The Rhode Island episode

The Extreme Makeover Home Edition national tour came to Rhode Island this week, where the Silva family needed some serious help.  They've devoted themselves to  providing a foster home for kids, but the Silvas had hit some serious snags:  their house was too small, and their entire property was contaminated with lead.  Would Ty and an army of Rhode Islanders be able to give the Silvas a safe house for their family and foster kids?  Fuggedaboutit!

The demo portion of this makeover was a little more involved than normal.  Usually Ty brings in the wrecking machines and exults at high volume as they destroy the old house, but this time they had to go one step further and excavate tons of contaminated earth from all around the property.  The end result:  a completely uncontaminated, lead-free plot of land.

And the house?  To say that the Silvas got an upgrade is a massive understatement.  Each of the kids got spectacular theme rooms, Ma and Pa Silva got a beautiful and serene suite where they could chill out, and the kids got the World's Coolest Treehouse in the backyard (pictured).  I thought the best part of the house was the shower, a massive walk-in tile job with a showerhead the size of a UFO and ceiling-mounted shower fixtures - all controlled by two digital control pads that adjust the settings and temperatures.  I WANT THAT.

The Silvas, as you might imagine, were blown away by the new house, totally reduced to tears.  It helps that through the generosity of their fellow Rhode Islanders their mortgage was paid off, so all they have to worry about is taking care of each other and the foster kids whose lives they touch.  The Silvas deserved a house that was just as wicked awesome as they were, and they got it.

--Dave Campbell

LOST - Tropical appendectomy

Jeez, what good is a Smoke Monster if it can't utterly destroy a cadre of heavily armed mercenaries?

Last week Ben sicced (is that how you spell that?) the Smoke Monster on the evil Keamy and his gun-toting crew.  The last we saw them, Smokey was making a meal out of the mercs.  It turns out that quite a few of them survived because Keamy and his posse show up again this week, being led to the freighter's chopper by Lapidus.  During their trek to the beach camp, Sawyer, Miles, and Claire hide from them for a few tense moments, and then they're gone.  Granted, one of the mercs looked seriously messed up and we can assume that there are a few less of Keamy's crew, but still I was hoping for more from the Smoke Monster.  It probably got so enthralled with bashing one of the thugs against a palm tree that the others got away.

As with the other episodes this season, we ping pong between Island Time and the Oceanic Six Timeline.  This time the spotlight once again lingers on Jack, who is happily shacked up with Kate.  We know his happiness is going to be fleeting and he's going to hit the bottle and grow that hideous beard soon, so the scenes between Kate and Jack are tinged with sadness.  I think this episode showed us the happiest the two of them will ever be together, which is kind of sad.

Back on the island, Jack needs an apendectomy or he will die.  Fortunately Juliet is at hand and there's no shortage of medical supplies in the Staff station, so they operate.  There was a certain lack of suspense in the whole situation since we know Jack's not going to die, but Rose did bring up an interesting point:  people don't get sick on the island, they get better.  So why Jack?  Why now?  Beats me, but it's a good question.

I really enjoyed watching Jin get the upper hand on Charlotte, who I hate.  He noticed that she could understand Korean when he and Sun were talking about how Daniel has a crush on her, and he calls her on it.  Jin calmly threatens to inflict grievous harm on Daniel unless Charlotte arranges to have his pregnant wife off the island.  In your face, Charlotte!  Not so smug and haughty now, are you?

Next week it looks like we're visiting the freighter again, where things are getting progressively more dangerous.  I'm going to be stunned if the doctor is still alive with his throat intact.

Now if we can just get a rematch between the Smoke Monster and those gunmen, I'd be a happy LOST viewer.

--Dave Campbell

UGLY BETTY - Fierce!

I almost felt bad for Renee, Wilhelmina's unbalanced pyromaniac sister, on this episode of Ugly Betty.  Driven to uncontrollable paranoia when Wili swapped her anti-psychotic meds with diet pills, Renee became convinced that Betty was her rival for Daniel's affections - and therefore had to be eliminated.

Renee wasn't the only person who thought Betty had the hots for Daniel; she convinced Daniel himself that Betty had a thing for him.  His discomfort around Betty and his mid-meeting dream sequence about Betty were hilarious.   While I almost felt bad for Renee, who I never liked anyway, I really felt bad for Daniel, who sees the woman he thought he loved dragged away to a psychiatric hospital after she nearly incinerates his apartment (with Betty inside it.)  Poor guy.

The highlights of the episode for me were:

Daniel's "rescue" of Betty - He knocks down the door of his apartment to save Betty from the flames and Ms. Firestarter, only to find a disheveled Betty holding a fire extinguisher.  Betty can take care of herself, thank you very much.

Gio and Henry's showdown - Jealous, but slightly less psychotic than Renee, Henry tells Gio to stay away from Betty.  Bluffing, Gio challenges Henry to a fight, and in a panic Henry punches Gio, knocking him to the floor.  I guess Henry can take care of himself, too.

Fierce! - Designer Christian Siriano had a hilarious cameo this week as he shows up at the mode office with an entourage of fierce models (and Amanda in tow).  Renee, in crazy mode, sees the models and yells at Daniel, "Are these your whores?"

"You're making fun of me." - Betty teasingly declares her love for Daniel at the end of the episode and he sheepishly realizes he's dead wrong about her crush on him.

Cattiness, intrigue, romance, jealousy, and ridiculous outfits - a solid episode of Ugly Betty by anyone's standards.

--Dave Campbell

GREY'S ANATOMY - Return of the Queen

Addison returned, if only for a week, to Seattle Grace this week to perform a surgery and remind viewers how awesome she is.  Seriously, I’d sort of forgotten what an integral part of the cast Addison was and how hard it’s been to fill the void left in her absence.  I’m glad she’s on Private Practice and all, but I do miss her strutting around the halls of Seattle Grace.  And her dark hair color looks fabulous.

She mistakenly believes that nothing has changed at the hospital since she left, but Addison quickly gets up to speed with the latest break-ups and shake ups.  The scene in the operating room where she asks who Derek’s “McRebound” is while she’s standing right next to Rose was priceless.  Although Rose’s line:  “Six dates, heavy petting, lots of tongue” was just... icky.  What adult talks like that? 

Let's see, who else did Addison catch up with? Addison’s scene with Bailey was touching and really well done – you gotta feel for Bailey in this situation.  I also like Addison’s lunchtime chat with Callie when she asks her if she and Hahn are romantically involved.  Callie’s overly vigorous denial seemed a little suspicious, no?  Methinks Callie doth protest too much.  Oh, and the scene at the end of the episode where Derek shares the elevator with Addison, Mer, and Rose was hilarious.  Mark’s reaction when he saw all the women in Derek’s life piled into one elevator was priceless. 

The whole Addison thing made me wonder:  doesn’t the woman own a phone?  She doesn’t keep in touch with Bailey or Chief anymore?  It’s as if she cut them out of her life when she moved to L.A.  You’d think she’d get an email from one of her former colleagues once in a while at least.

In other developments, Bear Attack Guy and his insecure bride were back for another episode, this time as the first subject for Meredith and Derek’s clinical research test.  Things don’t work out very well for this particular Patient of the Week – meaning he totally dies.

Ava/Rebecca also returns this week with some unexpected and unwelcome news for Alex – she’s pregnant.  Or is she?   

See, this is where I got a little mixed up.  At the end of the episode, Izzie gets some lab work back and is told that her patient is not pregnant.  There were two pregnant women in this episode, the HIV+ gal and Ava/Rebecca.  Is it possible that the lab guy was referring to the HIV+ gal and not Ava/Rebecca?  Why would Ava/Rebecca show up at a hospital for a blood test if she was faking her pregnancy?  I mean, we know she’s a little bit mental, but if she’s trying to trap Alex into a relationship she’s not being very smart about it.  On the other hand, they cut straight to Alex tenderly touching Ava/Rebecca’s belly, so perhaps I’m over-thinking this one.  Maybe Ava/Rebecca is just that crazy.

If anybody can help me out on this one, I’d appreciate it.  I’m a little dense sometimes, but it just didn’t add up.  Despite my confusion, this was another strong episode of Grey’s.  If they could just figure out some way to split Addison between this show and Private Practice, I’d be a happy little camper.

--Dave Campbell