We all have fears. Claustrophobia: fear of confined spaces. Lockiaphobia: fear of childbirth. (We see our fair share of that here.) Apeirophobia: fear of infinity. (Does that mean that you’re also afflicted with a fear of the number eight? Since eight is actually infinity rotated ninety degrees?) Consecotaleophobia: fear of chopsticks. (Not sure who has this one, but it exists, I swear.) Alektorophobia: fear of chickens. (My uncle had that.) And of course, let’s not forget, COULROPHOBIA…
Halloween 1991.
Twas a dark and stormy night… (and by “dark,” I mean dusk; and by “stormy,” I mean drizzling.) It was the first time that Cindy and I were braving the sketchy neighborhood (and by “sketchy neighborhood,” I mean white picket-fenced-middle-class-Leave-it-to-Beaver suburbia) to Trick-or-Treat without parental supervision. This was kind of huge for us. A big moment in the lives of the Mostow kids—ordinary children by day, crime-fighting detectives by night (okay, so perhaps I indulged in a few too many Hardy Boys books back then). And we decided to mark this momentous occasion by knocking on Mr. C’s door.
Mr. C lived down the street from us and was famous for two things--dentures and the Halloween house. Each year he transformed his colonial style home into a haunted-palooza, and himself into well…Monster C. I had a longstanding theory that Monster C was simply Mr. C sans the dentures. And as a young scientist/future doctor I’ll admit I was kind of excited to check out the inside of his mouth and the state of his toothless gums. So you can imagine our surprise when a full-toothed bizarro version of Bozo the Clown popped out from the spider web, frizzy red hair and all. And it was then that we realized that the "C" in Monster C stood for clown.
FACT: Cindy is very afraid of clowns. Even now as an almost-adult she can’t go to the circus or attend kids' birthday parties. Apparently it all started back in 1st grade when she had a nightmare about a pack of angry clowns eating her handwriting workbook entries for supper. So back in the haunted-palooza when she saw Monster C, she FREAKED out and ran screaming from the house.
Let the record show that I was not scared. More like disappointed. But I ran screaming with her because I’m her big brother and that’s what big brothers do. The story would and should have ended here, except for that Mitch Donovan, who was egging Mr. C's car as we ran away, caught a glimpse of us. And in that very moment he decided to torture me and call me "Scarecrow Steve" all the way up until high school. The End.
Halloween today.
Thankfully, this year’s Halloween featured neither Mitch Donovan nor a surprise appearance by Mr. C. But in spite of this, it was not free from fear. You see, today I braved my way through a new haunted house, one that was bigger and scarier. One with chainsaws and ghosts and severed limbs and ear-less children (or at least one ear-less child) and hearts being transplanted from one relative to the next and colleagues collapsing without notice. I am learning that working in a hospital can bring your biggest fears to life and expose you to new set of fears at the very same time. Like kakorrhaphiophobia: fear of failure.
Last night when Dr. Yang informed us that we were to dress up for Halloween, she used words like “MANDATORY” and “OR ELSE.” So around 11pm when I finished my scut work, I found a costume shop and bought the one costume they had left—a clown suit. I knew Cindy wouldn’t approve, but I was almost certain that Dr. Yang would be totally impressed that I’d found something to wear so quickly. That she had secretly been testing us all, and that I was going to pass with flying colors.
Well, I didn't. She saw me in the cafeteria and rejected my clown suit and red nose. (See above for a picture of me, post-clown-suit-rejection.) I spent the next few hours analyzing the interaction, creating an algorithm, a couple of venn diagrams--you know, the usual. The only possible explanation that I came up with is that like Cindy, SGH’s very own Dr. Yang is...afraid of clowns. Coulrophobia strikes again! And I realized something. While I may have failed yet another one of Dr. Yang's tests, at least this Halloween's case of coulrophobia would not be resulting in anyone calling me "Scarecrow Steve." (Leo. Don't. Even. Think. About. It.)
One good thing that came out of facing my kakorrhaphiophobia was that I felt a certain strength in tackling the other scary stuff. For example, ghosts. Have I not yet mentioned that I hung out with a ghost today? But it wasn’t just any old Joe Schmo of a ghost. It was the ghost of the late, great Dr. Ellis Grey. Her daughter, Dr. Grey, brought her ashes into work. In a plastic baggie! Which she then spilled all over the floor. It just so happened that I was walking by as she was scooping up the ashes. So maybe I didn’t quite get to meet the ghost of Dr. Ellis Grey, but I sure did walk by her ashes. Is it possible to become haunted—by surgical greatness? (My hands are feeling exceptionally steady today.)
And I could have been afraid of the ear-less boy I met today. While some kids spent this year Trick-or-Treating for candy, he spent it
wandering through the halls of our hospital Trick-or-Treating for
ears. I could have let myself become consumed with a case of the ear-less child phobias (don't know if there's a technical term for this). But his lack of ears, didn't really faze me. This was mostly because I knew that Dr. Sloan and Dr. Grey (the live one, not the ghost) had the ability to give him ears. And so his Halloween tale ended happily as he left SGH with exactly what he came in for--a basket full of candy—oops—I mean, a real set of ears.
Most days we ignore our fears. We ignore the blood and the severed limbs and the ear-less children. Ignoring them is easier than letting them overtake us. Halloween is the one day that we are allowed to celebrate our fears. It is the one day each year, when we can live fearless in our fear. Plus there is candy and pumpkins, and haunted houses, and all that other good stuff. And who doesn’t love a good rendition of “Monster Mash” every now and again?
*Public Service Announcement: If you or a loved one suffer from coulorophobia, please get some help. Don’t let your fear of clowns prevent you from things like laughter and balloon animals. Get treated today and start living your life free from fear, and full of clowns.
