How I Made $312 on Stevens vs. Torres

Abracadabra!  A magician never reveals his secrets.  But lucky for you inquisitive readers, I am no magician. I’m a mathematician.  (Or at least a former state quarterfinals mathlete. Go Tanglebrush Tangents!)  And mathematicians are all about sharing the knowledge. So today in the tradition of mathematicians past, I will share with you my cafeteria-tested, surgical-intern-approved, please-do-try-this-at-work gambling algorithm.

Every algorithm begins with a mathematical problem. As a former mathlete my job is to identify these problems before they filter into the public information superhighway.  That’s why, when I was running to get Dr. Yang her extra-hot-no-foam-quadruple-cappuccino and spotted Dr. Torres speaking a little too close for comfort with Dr. Stevens, I quickly translated their body language to mean that a fight was in the works. And thankfully, I did, because it allowed me quite a head start.   It wasn't until four-and-a-half minutes into my strategizing that Megan telephone-tagged me with the 411.  (Ok, I’ll admit it.  I kind of broke the cardinal rule of gambling and shared my technique with her.  But fear not fellow mathletes, she admitted that she “does not hate trigonometry all that much.”  So really, she’s a mathlete at heart.) 

So now that I'd identified the potential fight, I had my problem that needed solving.  Who will win?  Now as much as I love time travel, (Oh, you didn’t know that about me?  I haven’t mentioned that yet? Well, I do.  And I will.) I haven’t yet mastered that whole traveling to the future thing yet.  Good thing I have math as my tool for making future predictions.  The first step in this is translating the problem from layman’s terms (who will win) into the lovely language of mathematics.  But in order to do that, I had to reduce the two residents to variables.  For the sake of the equation, I assigned Dr. Torres and Dr. Stevens the variables X and Y respectively.  Thus the mathematical problem became “Is the sum of X’s force greater than the sum of Y’s?”

Now comes the tough part.  The brainy part.  Solving the problem. Traditionally I would begin with an intensive investigation into the two variables.  But time doesn’t always permit these things, and since the fight was only five hours away, I had to rely on my previous observations.   

So here’s what I knew about X…

Fact: She lost a baby once. She LOST a baby!  (Yeah, I’m still not over that.)
Value: -1
Reason: Lack of follow through is not the best quality for a fighter.

Fact: She breaks bones for a living. Have I mentioned she’s an orthopedic surgeon?
Value:  1
Reason: MAJOR advantage in any physical scenario.

Fact: She is married to George O’Malley.
Value: 0
Reason: I can’t place a quantitative value on this since I’m learning that I really don’t have all the facts.  Joe the Bartender filled me in on some stuff about George last night.  It’s pretty personal, so I can’t write about it here.  But needless to say, now I’m thinking that I may have been a little hard on the guy. 

Rumor: She used to eat her own hair. 
Value: 0
Reason: First off—GROSS.  Second—that is such a rumor.

Theory: She might be a hologram. Why not, right?  I mean she’s not around very much, and when she is it’s only for a couple of minutes.  Graciella claims she scrubbed in with her once and touched her arm.  But I’m not going to buy into that silly attempt to disprove my totally awesome theory. 
Value:  0
Reason: It’s just a theory, albeit a darn good one. 

-1 + 1 + 0 + 0 + 0 = 0

Evaluation:  X’s strengths and weaknesses cancel themselves out.

And here’s what I knew about Y…

Fact: She saved the life of a deer. She likes animals.  And values life. 
Value: 1
Reason: Valuing life (especially your own) is a prerequisite to winning a fight.

Fact: Leo is her intern. Handling him on a daily basis?  Enough said. 
Value: 1
Reason: Ditto.

Fact: Penmanship is important to her. Just ask Graciella who got caught writing an indecipherable “p.”
Value: 0
Reason: This really doesn’t have much to do with anything, I just found it interesting that someone other than a 1st grade teacher, would place such emphasis on crossing your “t”s and dotting your “i”s. That’s all. 

Fact: She recently orchestrated a small funeral service for a patient. Again, she’s big on the importance of life.  (Which is really cool.)
Points awarded: 0  
Reason: Redundant.  I’ve already allotted her one point for this quality. 

Rumor: She cut a patient’s L-VAD wire to bump him up on the transplant list.  Yeah, I’m totally not buying this rumor.  Talk about far-fetched.  Really folks, if you are going to make things up, try to make them sound at least kind of, sort of, a wee bit true. 
Value: 0 
Reason: Because it is just a rumor. I don’t care what Mitch says. 

1 + 1 + 0 + 0 + 0 = 2

Evaluation:  While Y’s strengths are not that substantial, her lack of apparent weakness places her at an advantage over X.

Once I tallied the sums, and evaluated the variables, I felt confident in making my prediction, which I wrote on a small piece of paper in case anyone questioned me later.  It is always good to have proof.  Physical proof.

Here it is…
Y will take the fight.  Even if it is by default because X doesn’t show up. (Which I think is a distinct possibility.)  Ergo, Y > X.

Ok, so maybe my formula-for-gambling-success never got the chance to be officially tested.  You see, X walked away before Y got to throw the first punch, (which btw she was totally ready to do).  You should have seen her removing her shoes and going all Karate Kid 3 with the pre-fight stretching. 

I’ll admit I was kind of bummed at first.  But then I realized two things.  #1: X walking away further proves my theory that she is a hologram.  Think about it.  Of course she can’t fight Y, because her punches would go right through Y!  #2: X forfeiting meant that I had won!  Turns out only a couple of us bet on Dr. Stevens, so I totally CLEANED UP! (And by cleaned up, I don’t mean mopped up a spill in the Pit again.  I mean, won a whole lot of money…aka $312!)

And $312 is no small potatoes. For $312 you can ride to the top of the Space Needle 19 ½ times.  Or purchase 15 pounds of salmon from Pike Place Market.  Or 62 budget lunches (a.k.a. salads, not the famous meatloaf) from the SGH cafeteria.  Or 78 round trip passes on the Monorail.  $312 can go a LONG way in the city of Seattle.

So when your co-workers are all placing bets on who will win the hot dog eating contest (before my time they had one here at SGH) just know that with a little luck, (ok…and maybe a dash of magic) and a lot of logic you, too can be a winner.  And tomorrow, when you walk back through the doors of your place of employment, you won’t just be known as that #2—that single digit guy.  No Siree!  From this point on you’ll be known as the triple digit WINNER!  Or at least I will be.  Go math!

Comments

[Seattle Sleuth]

Intern Steve,

If you tell the girl at the Space needle ticket booth you are eating dinner at the top, you dont have to pay for a ticket!!

A free ride is the best ride of all...

[Nikea]

You rock, man!I love your hilarious posts!
Take care!

[Alexa]

Haha that's great!! Have fun if you decide to ride to the top of the Space Needle 19 1/2 times!!!
Well, I wouldn't say X forfeited... but I love your facts and rumors! And Y's LVAD cutting is NOT a rumor!
I love your blogs, they're adorable and hilarious!! Please keep them coming :)