Private Practice: Confessions from the Front Desk

A Week of Gynergy

Okay, I’m just gonna throw this out into the webiverse:  My line of work isn’t for the weak.  As an aspiring midwife, I’m often faced with daunting tasks and formidable challenges.  I deal with all kinds of situations.  All kinds of personalities.  All kinds of stereotypes…

That’s right – stereotypes.  Everybody has an opinion.  I get that.  But is it really so hard to believe that a strapping twenty-something is more than capable of performing a simple, little pap smear?  I don’t think so…

This past week was supposed to be my big break.  My big chance to prove to the Oceanside staff that I am going to make a highly skilled, incredibly trustworthy, totally responsible midwife.  It was my big opportunity to fly solo and give patients the best damned pap smears of their lives.  Instead, I got judged.  And stereotyped.  Time and time again.  One day I was a “boy nurse.”  The next day I was “too cute.”  The next day I was “too young.”  They made it impossible to do my job!  People and their freakin’ opinions. 

But, like I said, my job is not for the faint of heart.  There’s no time for intimidation, doubt or fear.  I set out to give happy paps and I was going to give happy paps.  So it took me a few days to tear down the walls and overcome the struggles that us young, male, aspiring midwives grapple with on a constant basis.  There comes a time in each of our lives, however, where we just have to stand up for ourselves.  We have to demand respect, take a deep breath, grab that speculum, and just do it…  Just give our patients happy paps.

Yeah, I rocked it.  I’ll spare you the details but Mrs. Koster definitely got her happy pap.  The most respectful, complete examination of “Lady Town” of her life.  I could tell, Mrs. Koster was satisfied.  And, so was I.

The best part, though, was Naomi standing next to me the whole time.  Now, now, don’t get the wrong impression.  Naomi didn’t help me out at all.  She didn’t need to.  She was just there to witness the birth of a midwife.  She was just there to cap off an extraordinary week of gynergy.  I’m glad she was there.  I actually wanted to celebrate with her, but she soon got a call from her daughter, Maya.  Something was terribly wrong…

It turned out that Maya’s friend, Ruby, was in the hospital for an ectopic pregnancy and gonorrhea.  At only thirteen-years-old.  Worrisome stuff, particularly for Naomi. 

A few days ago, Maya actually went to Addison for help.  And, because of doctor-patient confidentiality, Addison couldn’t tell Naomi.  Well, as Naomi’s friend, Addison could have, but she didn’t…  Let’s just say Naomi was extremely hurt.  Personally, I think Addison was put into a tough position.  I’m just glad it looks like everybody involved is going to be okay…

It was obvious that Addison had something on her mind all week.  Well, I heard she actually had a few things on her mind…  One of them being Pete.  Fantasies or something…  I don’t really want to think about all of that, but Cooper and Sam are convinced that Addison has a little obsession with Pete.  They told that to Pete and he just smiled.  Of course she does, Pete said.  Then he proceeded to show us his bloody hand – it was pretty gnarly.  I guess Pete had to kick some coach’s ass the other day.  This coach was apparently pushing his star athlete way too far.  Nicole Clemmons – she was poised to go to the Olympics, man.  Now, thanks to her obsessive, negligent coach, she’ll never run again.  Yeah, Pete needed to kick his ass.

Oh – speaking of obsessions – Allan came into the practice this week.  You know Allan.  Violet’s Allan?  Well, Violet was thrown for a loop when he showed up.  As a matter of fact, so was Cooper.  He didn’t want to be stuck picking up the pieces after Violet had another breakdown about her ex.  Because it’s happened before.  Many, many times before.  Allan disappears.  Violet gets over him.  Allan shows up.  Violet breaks down.  And, the cycle continues…

I guess Allan was the reason Violet was acting weird all week.  I was actually cleaning up her office one night when her computer screen randomly clicked on and a picture of Bill Clinton popped up.  It was so weird.  There I was, just collecting some patient files from Violet’s desk and the next thing I hear is our national anthem as Bill’s pics start scrolling across her computer screen.  Like I said – weird.

Anyway – I’m off to celebrate.  Happy paps, happy patients, happy Dell.  A week like this deserves a little merriment, don’t you think?  Later! 

Naomi's Neurosis

Who would’ve ever guessed that an innocent little cake would drive a woman over the edge?  Alright, make that three.  Three innocent little cakes.  Just sitting on their innocent little cake carriers.  Just waiting to be devoured by a certain fertility doctor who has a debilitating weakness for all things chocolate.  Yeah, Naomi devoured those innocent little cakes alright.  And then she devoured my innocent little spirit.

She totally screamed at me.  In front of everyone.  She called me a boy.  Said that I was “baking cakes at her.”  Maybe it was the sugar talking or maybe it was because Naomi’s daughter seems to be liking Sam more these days.  Whatever the case may be, I’m hurt.  My ego – it’s bruised, man.  Addison looked at me like I shouldn’t take Naomi’s breakdown personal, but I can’t help it…

Chocolate, chocolate chip, and double fudge with chocolate frosting.  My grandmother slaved over those cakes.  You know, I was doing Naomi a favor.  I was giving her what she wanted.  Because that’s what I do.  I figure out what women want and I give it to them.  Naomi wanted my cakes.  And as much as she hates to admit it, Naomi still wants my cakes.  Just you wait…

But enough about the cakes.  Was there a full moon this week?  Because there have been some pretty crazy things happening around here.  First off – we had four blue girls come in the other day.  Blue.  Not depressed.  Not sad.  Not downtrodden because somebody yelled at them for baking cakes, but…  Actually, really, totally blue.

Cooper has pictures.  They’ll make some really awesome Christmas cards.  I guess the girls were gettin’ high and turnin’ blue while inhaling toxic fumes from open fertilizer bags in their “Magic Castle.”  I had a “Magic Castle” once.  Long story, different blog…

Okay, back to the cakes real quick…  Now that I think about it, I was actually doing ALL of the women in the office a favor with those cakes of mine.  Not just Naomi.  Addison too, I saw her nibbling all day.  And, Violet?  Oh yeah, I saw her sneaking a few bites in here and there as well.  Violet thought nobody was looking, but I see everything.  I can’t blame her, though – those cakes are insane – and, Violet needed a little pick me up after her patient’s wife literally spit blood all over her… 

It turned out the woman suffered from Wegener's disease.  She was actually hiding it from her husband (Violet’s patient).  What’s crazy is that Violet had finally gotten this dude to make a break through (he was determined to leave his wife), but, in the end, after he discovered his wife’s illness – even though SHE LIED ABOUT IT – he just couldn’t go through with it.  He just couldn’t move on. 

Ah, the need to move on.  Now that’ s something Violet should know quite a bit about.

Anyway, what else – Oh, it’s been raining here.  Two days in a row.  Surprise, surprise, it does actually rain in Los Angeles.  A lot more than you’d like to think.  A lot more than some world class neonatal surgeons like to admit.  Addison had a hard time with this one.  She thought she had left all the rain in Seattle.  I think she’s learned that there are some things – such as, I don’t know, Mother Nature – that she can’t escape. 

I’ll tell you something else that Addison can’t escape…  Pete’s thing.  Yep – Try as she might, Addison just can’t avoid getting a little help from good old, herbal God Pete. 

Addison’s patient suffered from something called “vaginismus.”  Which, contrary to popular belief, is not exactly a Christmas for her vagina.  It’s actually a condition that prohibits a woman from having sex.

Anyway – Pete told Addison he might be able to help, but Addison was having none of that.  She didn’t want Pete’s thing.  As far as Addison was concerned, Pete could just keep his thing all to himself.  Then, for some reason, Addison changed her mind and decided to play nice.  She asked Pete for his thing, and - next thing she knew – her patient had sex.  With her husband, of course.  (Who, by the way, was extremely grateful.)

Addison and Pete – They bicker.  They banter.  That’s their thing.  It’s kinda fun to watch.  It sure beats getting SCREAMED AT FOR HAVING YOUR GRANDMOTHER BAKE A FEW CAKES.

I’m sorry, I know I said enough about the cakes, but the emotional scars seem to be taking their sweet old time to heal.  No, no, I’ll be okay, don’t worry. 

I’m man enough to admit it.  Maybe I did make a slight judgment error.  It doesn’t happen too often, I know, but let’s just say this…  Maybe Naomi does, in fact, want my cake.  Perhaps she’ll want a black forest or a chocolate lava cake tomorrow.  There’s really no telling, but the point is:  It’s my cake that Naomi wants.  But it’s not what she needs.

I should probably figure that last part out.  What does Dr. Naomi Bennett need?  I’ve got a few ideas, but I guess only time will tell if I’m right….

You know you want my cakes, too...

Here, by popular demand, are a few of my cake recipes.  I should tell you – these babies taste 10 times better if your grandmother bakes them.  Enjoy!

Holy Mother of Chocolate Cake

Layers:

3 ounces semisweet chocolate

1 1/2 cups hot brewed coffee

3 cups sugar

2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

1 1/2 cups unsweetened cocoa powder

2 teaspoons baking soda

3/4 teaspoon baking powder

1 1/4 teaspoons salt

3 large eggs

3/4 cup vegetable oil

1 1/2 cups buttermilk

3/4 teaspoon vanilla

Frosting:

1 pound semisweet chocolate

1 cup heavy cream

2 tablespoons sugar

2 tablespoons light corn syrup

1/4 cup unsalted butter

You’ll need:

Two 10- by 2-inch round cake pans

Wax paper

Electric Mixer

A good attitude

For the layers:

Preheat oven to 300°F.  Grease those pans.  My grandmother lines the pan bottoms with wax paper, too.  Finely chop the chocolate.  Then, in a bowl, mix the chocolate with the hot coffee. Stir until smooth.

In a large bowl, sift together the sugar, flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. In another large bowl, beat the eggs for about 3 minutes.  An electric mixer works best.  Then, slowly add the oil, buttermilk, vanilla, and melted chocolate mixture to the eggs, beating until it’s all combined really well. Add the sugar mixture and beat (on medium speed). Finally, divide the batter between your pans and bake them in the middle of your oven for about 65 minutes.

When that’s done and your kitchen is smelling really, really good – Cool the layers completely in their pans.  Run a thin knife around the edges of pans and invert the layers.  Carefully remove the wax paper and cool the layers completely.

For the frosting:

Finely chop the chocolate.   In a saucepan, bring the cream, sugar, and corn syrup to a boil over moderately low heat, whisking until the sugar is dissolved. Remove the pan from the heat and add the chocolate, whisking it until it’s all melted.  Now would be the time to whisk in that butter until smooth.  Put the frosting in a bowl and allow to cool, stirring occasionally.

Then, spread the frosting between your cake layers, over the top and around the sides.  Now, find a fertility specialist and give her what she wants.

Insanely Chocolate Chocolate Chip Cake

For this one, you can opt to use the same frosting from my grandma’s Holy Mother of Chocolate Cake.  This cake also works pretty well without any frosting at all.  It’s up to you.

2  cups flour 

1 1/2  cups sugar 

2  teaspoons baking powder 

1  teaspoon baking soda 

1/2  teaspoon salt 

1 1/4  cups sour cream 

3/4  cup butter, softened 

1  teaspoon vanilla 

3  eggs 

1/2  cup sugar 

1  teaspoon cinnamon 

1 (6  ounce) package chocolate chips (I like the mini kind) 

Heat your oven to 350 degrees. Grease a 13 x 9 pan.  In a large bowl, combine the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, salt, sour cream, butter, vanilla and eggs.  Mix all of that goodness together.  You can use a mixer at medium speed for about 3 minutes.

Then, pour half of the batter into your pan.  In a separate small bowl, combine the sugar and cinnamon.  Sprinkle half of that sugar mixture and ½ cup of your chocolate chips over the batter.  Repeat with the remaining batter, sugar mixture, and chocolate chips.  Bake it all at 350 degrees for 30-35 minutes.

If you want to add the frosting from my previous recipe, you can do so now.  If not, no worries.  Baking cakes at people is fun, isn’t it?

Give Them What They Want Double Fudge Cake

Again, you don’t have to use frosting on this cake if you don’t want to. If you do, use the frosting from my first recipe.

6 ounces semisweet chocolate

3/4 cup butter 

1 cup sugar 

4 eggs 

1 cup cocoa powder (not drink mix) 

1 teaspoon finely ground black pepper 

1 pinch salt

Preheat oven to 350° F.  Prepare an 8 inch round pan by greasing its bottom and sides.  Cut a circle of waxed paper and fit it around the bottom of the pan.  Grease that, too.

Coarsely chop your chocolate.  Then, melt the chocolate and the butter over simmering water. Stir the sugar into the chocolate. Beat the eggs (fast and hard), one at a time, into the chocolate.   Next, add your cocoa, pepper, salt, and stir.  Pour the batter into your prepared pan and bake about 40 minutes.

Cool about 10 or 15 minutes.  Then run a knife around the edge to loosen, and invert on a plate.

As always, don’t forget your cake carrier!

Sam’s Stripper

I didn’t deliver any babies today.  Well, I didn’t help deliver any babies today.  Which is a surprise…  Considering how I totally rocked the Assistant to Addison Montgomery gig the other day.  I told you – Addison and I delivered a baby girl.  Together.  Me and Addie.  Oh, and Pete – he was there, too.  Yeah, it was…  Just me and the gang.

But, today?  No pregnancies.  No labors.  No babies needing to come into the world.  More importantly:  NO MIDWIFERY PRACTICE.  I don’t like days like this.

I shouldn’t be too hard on myself.  I guess there will be plenty of pregnant women needing all of my midwifery skills in due time. All in due time…  That’s what I keep telling myself.

OWG had quite an eventful day.  Most of the staff was busy with some crazy, baby swap mix-up.  Things got pretty emotional.  I could kind of see it all go down from my domain.  Dr. Charlotte King shed a tear.  At least, I think it was a tear.  It could’ve just been something in her eye.  That sounds more likely.  Humans – the ones with feelings – they cry.  Charlotte King?  No, Dr. Charlotte King does not cry.

Besides that, Sam figured out some dude’s grandma was using poison as a way to thwart alcoholism and Pete treated a stripper.  Or, as Cooper just told me, Pete treated an “entertainer.”  No, man – Ginger’s a stripper.  Ginger’s definitely a stripper.

Anyway, last night – everybody (except me, somebody rather conveniently forgot to tell me) gathered at Addison’s place to watch Ginger help Sam relieve a little stress.  Yeah, it’s all fun and games until the ex-wife shows up.  Naomi.  And…  Buzz kill.

That explains why Naomi was not happy this morning.  She didn’t even thank me for the morning coffee I got for her.  And Naomi always thanks me.  But, not today…  She was all focused and determined and…  Very clearly could not stop thinking about Sam and the stripper.

I thought asking Naomi to speak to my midwifery class would’ve cheered her up.  My teacher – she really wants to meet the primal life giver that is Naomi Bennett.  But, Naomi didn’t seem all that into it.  Addison volunteered, but, well, she’s certainly no Naomi.  Addison’s great and all, but…  I want Naomi. 

You know, I drew a map to my school for her and everything.  Here I am, putting myself out there, making an effort, trying to get her interested (in my midwifery class, that is) and still…  nothing.  It would’ve been nice to have her there.  Hopefully she’ll come around….  Eventually…

Well, looks like class starts in an hour, so I should get going.  Tonight we get to “practice” another birth.  Again.  Once you’ve seen a real one – like yours truly has – these “practices” are really, really lame.  I mean, it’s a doll for cryin’ out loud.  Where’s the amniotic fluid?  Where’s the umbilical cord?  Where’s the living, breathing, CRYING baby?  That’s what I need.  That’s what’s so unbelievably exciting.  Okay, I really need to get Naomi to my class.  She’d make things interesting.

Addison’s Arrival

I take my job very seriously.

I don’t just schedule.  I schedule and confirm.  I don’t just greet guests.  I greet guests with a smile.  And when I answer the phones, I give callers unparalleled, undivided attention.  The kind of attention that should not be interrupted by a frantic, world class neonatal surgeon who’s asking for – no, demanding to see – Naomi.

That’s what happened today.  Addison arrived.  And she totally messed up my very zen, very highly regarded, phone answering capabilities.  She just blew into OWG this morning and now…  Well…  Now…  Things will never be the same.

I guess Naomi hired Addison without consulting any of us.  I mean, not that I should’ve been consulted, it’s not really in my contract here at OWG, I don’t own any part of this practice, but…  It would’ve been nice, okay?  Anyway – everybody was a little disturbed by Addison’s arrival.  She just seemed to come out of nowhere.

And, get this – Apparently, Naomi told Addison where to live…  Which happened to be… Right next door to Sam. 

Yeah – Sam wasn’t very amused by all this Addison business.  Neither were Cooper and Violet.  They wanted to vote the poor woman off the island, too.  As for Pete – Well, Pete was flattered.  You should’ve heard him…  All day…  He swore Addison moved down here because of some kiss they shared during her last visit.  To tell you the truth, that might actually be true.  I saw some pretty furtive glances between those two today… 

Should be interesting.  Not like we actually need any more drama around this place.  Trust me, we’ve got plenty of our own.

Anyway – as the day progressed, people seemed to be getting more and more comfortable with Addison.  I sure did.  I – um, assisted – Dr. Addison Montgomery deliver a baby girl right here in the OWG offices. It was insane.  It was crazy.  Surfing waves pales in comparison to birthing babies.  I think I’ll make that my new mantra.  Just wait until my midwifery teacher hears this one.  If she thought I was good before, ha!  She ain’t seen nothin’ yet…

So Addison seems to have moved from some fancy Seattle hospital – where she had a staff of many – to Oceanside Wellness Group – where she has a staff of…  basically…  well…  ME!  Today, she let me help deliver a real, living, breathing BABY that was – you know – ALIVE.  And, that makes her pretty awesome in my book.  I can’t wait until tomorrow.

You know, I like Addison.  I guess only time will tell if everybody else does, too.